`broken toys||

2006-10-19T00:51:00.000+08:00

i'm leaving.

two years wouldnt have been right without you.

but i meant it when i said, the last hurrah!

no you're not the obsession. heh

your final task is to keep the archives safe.

i'll visit, mister b. (:

http://ohparaphernalia.wordpress.com

2006-10-17T17:34:00.000+08:00

the object of my obsession, has to change. if only it were the correct object, then perhaps i would give it enough attention, enough time, enough brain space. it would be top priority, at last at its rightful place.

the object of my obsession is a wrong one. i like to think that i can control my mind to control me. i love to think that i am more than able to psyche myself into liking something and detesting something. yeah, the mind has fantastic ways of deceiving its owner. do i own my mind?

what shall i do with the slips of paper behind photographs. i refuse to forget. i cannot. come to think of it, no one is dragging me out kicking and screaming. i'm dragging myself out, and i'm kicking and screaming.

enough. enough now. enough of chasing cars. enough of wondering and asking so many what ifs. how to give up something that's been driving you on? how in the world did i allow it to climb to the top of my brain/heart/soul/whatever? enough esther. enough.

i feel like a author. needing to finish a book yet repeatedly adding in new ideas new plots, because to end now is akin to ripping a pound of flesh from the body. i feel like a runner. not willing to end the race even when every ounce of energy has been spent, because to end would remove the possibility of overtaking that guy in front. an ending brings the probabilty of the arrival of something better to a big fat zero. (strange we think so much, yet never consider the probability of the guy behind overtaking us. we never wonder if too many plots would make the book incoherent)

enough. i can survive cold sores and disgusting weird stomachaches. i can survive this. time for the final chapter, the last lap. we stop while everything's good. the last hurrah!

2006-10-16T19:55:00.000+08:00

fear that grips the neck, strangle. while we're choking, we realise how meaningless it is to willingly let ourselves be sucked into the tornado of fear and helplessness. of all people, i should be least afraid, least weary, least angsty. i have all the help i need. cmon i have friends in high places! perhaps we're all secretly afraid that His plan is not ours. or perhaps, we dont feel like we're on the right side of eternity. what friends?

how can a relationship ever be built on guilt?

' if i perish, i perish. '
i'm quoting. sometimes i wonder if she said it because she was willing to sacrifice, or because she trusted. Abraham, was he reallyreally willing to sacrifice, or was his faith so strong.
probably both. oh we're lacking so much.

2006-10-14T07:32:00.000+08:00

It's like you're stuck in second gear
and it hasnt been your day, your week,
your month, or even your year
but

I'll Be There For You
when the rain starts to pour
i'll be there for you!
like i've been there before
I'll Be There For You
Cos You're There For Me Too.

Even at my worst, i'm best with you. (:

okay the photos aint great at all, because we look scruffy and sweaty - lol that's normal. but we'll make do. heh (:

2006-10-13T14:28:00.000+08:00

goooodbye. i do not like it when i'm barely done with hello. i feel like kicking myself each time i remember how badly i wanted to get out of school last year. why was i so blind?

well in a way, it is good to end things with a bang! end it while the happy memories outweigh the bad ones a thousand times, end it loving it. (: heh farewell assembly today was awesome - wonderful MCs, insanely funny teachers, good videos. now when was the last time i've laughed so hard while saying goodbye?

i often question myself. why is everyone so loyal to their secondary schools, and i'm the rare few who love college so much. why is everyone half sad half glad to leave, and i feel like i'm being dragged out kicking and screaming. (in fact, i would like to propose having 3 years of college education - more time for syllabus & growing up. haha) easy answer. i've left so much behind, it's painful to return and pick up the scattered pieces. too much to forget. vj gave me an opportunity to start all over again. in a place where few know me, it was so liberating. i am esther, no past hanging around like an irritating shadow. & no one ever confuses me with anybody. i am not ashamed to have 'jane' as my unofficial second name, & never will be. just that after years of having sisters in the same school, it's nice to be alone (: Also, this incredibly tough year had made school a haven, a place of retreat & certainty. not the usual feeling people have, but that's the way it is.

it hasnt been smooth sailing naturally. i just read the letter mr chad asked us to write to ourselves last year. in it, i mentioned about PW, and how i'm worn out writing the written report. i wrote down my goals and dreams. i told myself to love. i started with dear esther. i ended with your nemesis, esther. haha at least some things are the same, i havent stopped considering myself as my enemy. it was painful to read the letter, knowing that i've fallen short of my standards. knowing that circumstances have changed so much. if i had known what today would be like then, i would have done many things different. we cant return, no.

johnny you should have a ring.

i've said all my thank yous. i can leave now.

nil sine labore

2006-10-11T22:56:00.000+08:00

you and me could never hide
too busy walking out of stride

take 1 2 3 and 4 or 5
people talking keeps us alive

a little part of a little conversation that i'll never forget.
bye

2006-10-10T00:18:00.000+08:00

i dont want to want to see you anymore

2006-10-08T20:53:00.000+08:00

what a tough week

& today was the first day i told someone i loved economics. wheeee. i mean i know i tried to make myself like it, but i had no idea that the 'trying' paid off. gosh i dont even know when i started to love it. like is different from love. hurhur maybe it was a slip of the tongue. but just to make life a little easier, i shall take it that i love it. love it alot.

it will be an awesome week.
last week in school, it gotta be good.
i need it to be.

2006-10-07T08:39:00.000+08:00

the amount of time it takes for me to get from the bus stop near mount vernon to vj's gate is exactly

2 God of the moon and the stars
2 Top of the World
7 Accidentally in Love

OR

5 small time articles
1/2 a big time article
sleep
sleep walking

OR

40 mins in the morning
30 mins in the afternoon
847823 mins when i'm late

darn i'll miss it.

2006-10-04T16:49:00.000+08:00

- it seems to take optimism bordering on willful ignorance to feel positive about ..

& we are not only talking about global warming here

2006-10-02T20:53:00.000+08:00

last saturday was my debut ride on the northsouth mass rapid transit line with my father. in all my eighteen years, in all his fifty years; not once. we were at somerset, catching the train to toa payoh. before the train came, he spoke to my mum. there was nothing to do, so i stared at his face & asked questions in my head. do i love him? how well do i know him? i thought of photos of the past, time flies. dear papa, we're getting old.

the train came too soon. i told him about my camping trip. he told me about his army days. i showed him how to add value to his ezlink. he taught me physics - papa, when a satellite orbits round earth, how come gravitational force doesnt pull it towards earth? we nearly missed our stop. he noticed the yellow walls, and exclaimed. i pretended i realised it was our stop long ago.

last saturday was my debut ride on the bus with my father. a double decker bus. so we sat on top and pretended the whole level was ours. we talked about church.

it feels good, travelling with you without you behind the steering wheel. it feels good, that in times when i'm supposed to be the one taking care of you, you're still looking after me. (((:

2006-10-01T21:20:00.000+08:00

cyclical hope

2006-09-30T08:52:00.000+08:00

i deliberately placed the script that way. i dont care about the number in front. i wanted you to read what was written. perhaps if you read someone else's comment, you would stop worrying that i dont care about my future, you would stop thinking that my priorities are that misplaced. i want to tell you that i'm concerned too. i do want to make you proud. it is probably naive of me to think that just one comment would alter whatever impression you've made of me over the past year. & we havent considered the possibility that that person did not really mean it. i just want you on my side. a little trust, & understanding that i learn through my mistakes. please dont forget, i'm eighteen. older than you think, younger than you think.

i want to be on your side too.

2006-09-29T23:59:00.000+08:00

i missed the deadline i was supposed to meet. i do not fancy the thought of going to a teacher to discuss about how to make things better, because there is no way out. & frankly, i have not really thought through anything carefully. thinking through is one thing, asking my parents is another, asking You yet another.

even though it is rather fun to look through options, & what a great excuse to park myself in front of the computer, yet the thought of making such a major decision is rather daunting. oh how i long to have an opportunity to sit down at subway with You, and ask questions. how i wish that the voices i think i hear in my head, is not from my head. i hope i'm walking tall, walking the tough straight & narrow path. i know the answers to frequently asked questions. what about questions never asked?

aiyah now do what ah? i do this, you happy or not?

today was awesome. results aint everything, yet if i dont beat myself up and mull over it for a little while, i'm letting myself go too easily. next, we move on. the airport is always thrilling. sure we've had our share of sadness at that place. but today accumulated many laughs. laughter is not enough, but i aint complaining. attempting to mug, betting on amount of work to accomplish this weekend (bye sleep), teaching & learning gives one a sense of camarderie. comradeship. the we're all in this together. absolutely lovely. so i managed to secure myself a no-money bet. ((:

ahh dinner brought back memories of japan. plucking us away from reality; for a few precious moments, we're allowed to laugh freely and place trouble at the sidelines. that's not to say we are exceedingly troubled, or intensely stressed. just that trouble is always good to be forgotten, whatever the magnitude. saying goodbye was fun! all the best roshni (: i'm not going to lie and say that i will miss you loads, because i hardly know you nor you know me. the truth is, i'm really happy that you're going because the experience would be enriching and life-changing. plus singapore could really use a talent like you! mrt-ing was the highlight of the trip home! haha zhini never fails to be hilarious (: her sense of joy and contentment with life always leaves me ashamed and inspired. paul was a surprise. for once, the clever one made a mistake, assuring me we're on the right train, till it started to move towards changi and we went uh-oh. i'm stupid too, following blindly. oh what a glorious mistake! had an awesome time talking and catching up. pity everything will end in two months. but one cant complain when events meant for the good-memory bank appear without me asking. eh paul, when you're trying to conquer Mars. dont forget you had one person who geninuely believed in you when you were just joking. imagine the support when you're really working towards it. if only you knew how many impressions i'd made of you when i knew your name. perhaps one day you'll find out how honourable it is ((:

all our names are weighed down with the hopes our parents have. perhaps they didnt think too much into it, but i'm glad things happened the way they did. love cleanliness & faithfaithfaith. yes, mordecai's courage.

did plenty of telling (which is so different from talking). thank you

2006-09-28T20:04:00.000+08:00

i'm dont want to forget. even though, it would be better for the memory if i write every single detail down in prose. hurry write a whole essay of it while it's still clear in the head. nah. no time, & the memory is more special when it's recalled as it is and not fitted into words. words are not enough.

i shall be content with little triggers. read 'pounding watermelons', and i'll remember wanting beating the poor green fruit because she'd seen her mum do it, except that she's not really sure what to look out/hear for. read 'heart murmur', and i'll laugh (: i do not know what people mean when they write trigger happy. but if i were allowed to use it as i define it, then triggerhappy! no other word in my vocabulary comes close.

the little triggers written, stored somewhere else.

i had insane fun, which means i want to do it again. oh camping! true blue camping except for clean McDonald toilets and handphones (:

i didnt say goodbye properly. strangely i didnt feel so sad this time. perhaps it's the knowledge that it's the last time. maybe it's the thought that i'll see you soon. i am just so glad that He put us four together. even though we get on each other's nerves all the time, and the urge to box you all till yall cant speak comes once in a while. nonetheless, i would ask for nothing more, & nothing less. you better take care there, and come back in one piece. because we have so much to catch up on, so many years of irritatingeachother to go through. within our vein runs the same blood. <3

2006-09-25T23:16:00.000+08:00

rattled the shackles of your unconscious
and demanded that you join in

we thought the world was crooked & unbalanced. not realising, we're sideways. we blame the world for making it so darn tough to walk tall, walk the straight and narrow path. perhaps, if we had the guts to examine the bloodpump and be painfully honest about it. we just might live better.

goodbye
you're all i aspire to be (:

2006-09-22T21:21:00.000+08:00

math gave me a headache. i just realised that the passing mark is sixty percent! rather comforting actually. i'm not stupid, the standard's too high see. ahaha whatever. i'm just glad it's over. we are reduced to one paper. one quiz. couple of songs. one sharing. one goodbye. two tents and a million stars. mighty packed weekend, with little pockets of physics the size of electrons. (:

(i found the Great is Thy Faithfulness song muahahaha)

2006-09-21T09:58:00.000+08:00

i should bring a stack of sudoku smuggled in the pocket. then three hours will pass quickly, and Teachers will be comforted because i know my number line. squeezing nine months worth of work into a day is insane. the fact that taking the paper would make an S out of me brings no comfort. one hovers between pressing on, and bu zi liang li. the thought that ding and ho might correct the script is making the hair on my neck stand.

edited.
at least now there's class bbq to look forward too. whee. seriously, the thought that we'll be camping (full house hahaha) under the stars is quite overwhelming. and i'm grinning like mad just thinking about it. nicole did not help at all. for once, her messages had an average of 5 exclamation points on them!! highly unusual. banish the bbqs-are-messy-business thought to infinity. praypraypray for good weather. no rain obviously. just the right amount of sun for the right amount of insolation. clouds in the day to block out the sun. no clouds in the night so we can see the stars. okay we're at the east coast, sunrise! we need two to make up for the one we missed in malaysia. i am asking for too much. ((: ahh cantwait cantwait.

2006-09-20T21:01:00.000+08:00

The Show is over.

i wanted better, dont we all?

'at least i tried'
'it's not as if i didnt try'
all the claims at trying is getting to me - makes me boil, makes the weariness that radiate from every single bone intensify. what is the difference between that and i give up. it is so annoying because i am guilty too.

was reading some report about the IMF in the newpaper. seems like some delegates are thinking that singapore is too perfect. no litter whatsoever. nice people, good service (on and on and on) when someone found two plastic bags on the street, wow singapore is a country too! outsiders do not see everything. in fact, what they see has been screened through millions of times, checked and re-checked. just so that a good impression is left. how different are we? so what if we can sprout verses. or stay principled in certain situations. so what if we seem modest, seem to have our priorities right. perhaps the thought that we're better than most is fuelling the collection of rot within our ribcages. outsiders dont look into the mind, they only hear words. outsiders dont look into the heart, they only see actions. just like outsiders dont go to the canal to see the periodic accumulation of rubbish. disgusting rubbish.

2006-09-20T13:00:00.000+08:00

home alone

& its too cold

everything is going to conclude in five days. building up to a climax this weekend, going downhill on monday. i have the next two days to mull about it. then getting mindheartattacks for the rest of the week. for once, a conclusion begets a beginning (let me catch my breath). conflicting desires, fear and excitement mashed together. no idea which is better - status quo or the unknown.

i need to get down to math. even though i'm already counting down the minutes to 8pm for The Show's last episode (& this kind of math is good enough to blow your head). i watched the second last episode twice; am extremely conscious of the obsession. i need to get down to math. why get down? sounds as if we're so high up, too good for anything.

i feel like biking down to see you now

in five days. eyebags would have disappeared. i would have watched The Show's last episode 3 times. tms would be done. i would have spoken in front of many people, i do not know what to say. actually something came to mind, but decided it is not appropriate. the thought knocked again, i admonished and shooed it away. i would have led some songs. i would have biked down to see you. prelims would finally conclude. books returned. then waving goodbye through the glass. knowing you do not fancy it but unwilling to leave till you do. back home to find just one toothbrush in the cup.

2006-09-18T19:01:00.000+08:00

twelve hours from now,
i'll be in bus 135 fighting sleep.

sixteen hours from now,
i'll be at the desk,
begging blood to return to
the hand
the brain

nineteen hours from now,
dead to the world
dead to the world
dead to the world

yayness

2006-09-17T00:25:00.000+08:00

i needed a hug.
or anything that would bring me away from the stack of papers and the mounting dread that i wont be able to make it. it seems like every circumstance has standards that are sky high. not that that's bad, standards make us better. strive. yes one mountain taller than another. (lost in translation, which just happens to be another disappointment.) but there will always be one particular one, the peak of the peaks. that's why we strive. because if we work hard enough, we will be that Peak. we set up our little camp on it, then decide we dont want to rent the space. we want to own it. we do all we can to stay there. cos reaching it aint enough. the next benchmark -who stays the longest. next, sustained achievement award. perhaps, long service award. time-to-go-down award. death, and this peak is inherited. (no wonder inheritance tax exists)

more often than not, we die trying to reach base camp.

this post is so off. i wanted to write about letters. letters and mountains have nothing in common. right. i needed a hug. or an encouragement bun. so i set out to find tng's hang in there card with the cute stickman. seems to be having a nice time hanging, i mean it's been two years and it still makes hanging so disgustingly easy. then again, stickman's mg is close to zero.

in the process i found letters. chances are - gifts land up next to the bed behind piles of books or in the garbage bag (after a few years la) but letters end up in the little shoebox on the top shelf. i have letters from before the PSLE. candice ending it with Gotta Study Real Hard? marianne from greenhouse, i have fond memories, with or without the card.

i have letters from lower sec. one cringes at the memory, loud seems to be the only trait i'm remembered by. i like to think that i have changed and am only loud when the evil monster comes out during games. because you must be loud, especially if you have to quack for someone. hurhur. what i like to think is usually miles from reality.

i like this particular one.
i said i'll reply, didnt i? ... wherever you are. love kristie. 16/2/04
it must have been after friendship day. i found out my keeping-in-touch disorder. guess i tried to do something about it then. but relationships require constant effort. i'm the worst procrastinator. it is incredibly sad, i miss her.

well some things stay constant. just before the Ordinary Levels. hello!! haha i am so cool ar. writing you a ... another three weeks will kill us. love glori '04.
every christmas, dear esther and family .... love lijun '0*. usually i put in on the grid-like thing at the living room. because it's for the family. but lately her messages has been peppered with meanie, you're so evil. i'm ashamed, so it goes into the shoebox immediately. yes it is time to remove the devil's horns and put on a halo.

i like samantha's notes, they make me laugh. bev's always sweet. winnie's lame. my angel and mortal from last year (i failed as an angel this year, my mortal failed me). evangeline always encourages. crystal's filled with smiles, most of the time i'm not just reading it, but imagining in my mind how she'll say it. mingdao's weighed down with inspirations, no i should say lifted. dear yvonne who reminds that He is love! no one should forget the love letter sealed with blood.

hugged (:

in the mean (hahah) time, we're hanging.
hello geography. woohoo!

2006-09-15T15:22:00.000+08:00

forbidden

transparent fences
thin as string
solid as diamond
silently scoffing
i can see it in your eyes

clenchh :(

banging on the keys
blackandwhites
because i cant say;
bye

2006-09-14T20:22:00.000+08:00

esther
shut
up
and
listen

2006-09-14T09:10:00.000+08:00

i keep reminding myself not to think in negatives.

because of how the subconscious mind works. at least how i think my subconscious mind works. dont think of an elephant with 5 legs and green pokka dots! okay perhaps you have great control over your mind. but the image immediately pops into my head. ugh.

so 'dont stress' will not do for me. because i think of dont and stress as separate words. and somehow the dont gets lost along the way. for now, and till forever; it will be relaxx. it's hard to switch, many years of negatives make them a habit. think positive. positive positive positive. if i repeat it often, it'll be a habit too.

when the brain is wrung dry, no energy to think of positives. we're reduced to i'm good i'm good i'm good. not the i-will-ace-it i'm good. but rather the i-will-be-okay i'm good that all this will pass, and things will be fine in the end, despite the short run outcome.

then the fire fades away
most of everyday
it's full of tired excuses
it's too hard to say
i wish it were simple
but we give up easily
you're close enough to see that
you're the other side of the world to me

2006-09-11T23:48:00.000+08:00

'i'm in a new york state of mind'

five years

for once, time seems to be moving rather slowly (: usually the Einstein's relativity law mocks and taunts, during times such as these. when we're literally sprinting against time and the closure of our eyelids. this time (haha) is different, though not because i'm more prepared or focused than before. just the way it is, and i aint complaining. the headaches still come, but i've devised some ways to make them go away. walk around/drink water/go frustrate the piano/read agatha christie. wheeee

math tested all the topics i discriminated against because they are boring and stupid, and were tested only once in the 90s and 00s. cmon most questions are older than me! yet murphy's law taunts and mocks. they appear, and we go. ohh crappp. not that it really bothered me this time, all i could think of the moment i stepped out of the hall was. toiletoiletoilet. and the cool hospital show. (:

alright back to global warming. am looking forward to 'the inconvenient truth' in cinemas. we hardly see such an apt title!

2006-09-09T00:40:00.000+08:00

quite tired
of failing promises made by me
to me
i have to finish litho tonight
i have to finish litho tonight
i have to

'it is very difficult to know people and i dont think one can ever know any but one's own countrymen. for men and women are not only themselves; they are also the region in which they were born, the city apartment or the farm in which they learnt to walk, the games they played as children, the old wives' tales they overheard, the food they ate, the schools they attended, the sports they followed, the poets they read, and the God they believed in. It is all these things that have made them what they are, and these are the things that you cant come to know by hearsay, you can only know them if you have lived with them. you can only know them if you are them.'
W Somerset Maugham

talented writer, i've only read 2 pages. the kind that seems to give the assurance that he's telling you like it is, and not extra sweet, or extra harsh. the kind who is funny, and makes sense. i've only read 2 pages. in fact, i've started on every single book i borrowed. knowing full well i cant finish them. stupid? yes

he was writing about a friend. american. he's english, writing this to say that writing this book aint easy, because he hardly knows that guy (he doesnt know all those stuff.) i dont know people. perhaps he knew his countrymen, i'm not sure. but for me, i dont even know the people i'm living with. the definition of 'know' is ambiguous. sure i know where they're going. i know their most hated food. but really knowing? perhaps it's better left that way, sure misunderstandings will arise. still, better to withhold. it's a self preservation thing.

'come on, talk to me. i'm a good listener'
'i'm no story-teller'

You know everything. scares me to death sometimes. yet since there is no point hiding anything. might as well talk about it. and ask.

2006-09-07T21:18:00.000+08:00

you know how it is when you get to the last chapter. and the author ends this way: this is not the end, just a new beginning. it could be a book of two lovers coming together after a million obstacles, life anew. it could be a story of a man in jail, ending with his release, new life. a new beginning always seems to mean, a happy ending (if this ending is real and not just another new beginning)

it is encouraging to some people, i think. one guy said that to oprah, and she said wow that's comforting. is it really? frankly when i come to the end of my race, i would like to stop and go drink some water thank you very much. it's like you're gasping for breath few steps from the finishing line, and the official comes to you cmon go line up, hurry! hellooo it aint overr. who cares if you won or lost. just go put your face near the red track white line, the pistol will set you free. again.

perhaps, we can look at it differently. this 'end' is just a reststop, recharge they say. like a pitstop in le grand prix. then you go on. go on. go on. goon. gooon. gone

how draining.

i wish for an ending, no comma. one big dot there, that's that. at least i wouldnt have to worry about my attitude, wouldnt have to worry about giving up halfway because that sucks. wouldnt have worry which side of eternity i would be on, that is scary bigtime.

no escaping to oblivion. we just go on.

i wonder if you told yourself i've had enough of this wretched race, when we drove you out of the temple. when we hurled insults at you. when we made you carry a cross. when we drove nails in. when we spat. when some of us cried, did you want to say why the tears, this aint the end, it's the beginning. cross my heart. it gets even better. someone told me that i could give all my cares and worries to him. someone said that i could exchange my burden for his, because his aint heavy.

you think oblivion's great? wait till you see what i have in store for you.

2006-09-05T16:06:00.000+08:00

suddenly
so
scared

sometimes it feels like the world is in front of me, waiting for me to conquer. i'm young, endless opportunities, lofty dreams. the world is mine to take.
sometimes it feels like the world is behind me. nothing about this world can affect me. all the expectations dont mean a thing. i'm not of the world, why would i want to take it.

sometimes, the world seems filled with happiness and joy. fulfillment; warms the heart. all things good
sometimes, the world seems filled with sorrow and pain. disappointment; tears the heart. all things bad

sometimes the world is too huge. i'm too small, insignificant. cannot do anything. born study work die. the only difference is one extra niche in the cemetry.

most of the time, the world is not enough.

2006-09-05T09:06:00.000+08:00

watched singapore dreaming with the siblings. borrowed four books from the new bishan library. due date: last day of prelims. which happens to be the day agnes flies away. at least it's the last time she's gone. (and if i earn enough, i could fly there to be a leech!)

25th september 2006.
0555: wake up; panic
0628: panic on the bus, try to study but end up sleeping
0720: get to class table, think 'ahh heck la'
0800: physics, insanely difficult physics
1100: YAY
1105: bus 55 to bishan. try to read but end up sleeping
1210: renew books. 2 bucks
1245: bus 13 back home. try to read but end up stoning
1300: number seven
1305: comtemplate shower; decision unknown.

1) collapse on couch in living room
2) collapse on couch in study room
3) shower; collapse on bed
4) shower; read, collapse wherever i'm reading
5) tv tv tv
5C1

1733: help cook, unless i'm dead to the world & siblings are nice
1818: eat
1900: see sister pack or tv or book
2234: airport; goodbye

we just dreamdreamdream.
hope for something better,
not realising we have too much already.
overload breeds discontent.
booo

2006-09-03T00:44:00.000+08:00

because silence is the answer to my whys

because there's no point touching it, pretending everything's ok

because it magnifies the distance between us

because you're twodee. i'm three

because we'll grow old, and you'll stay seventeen and a half

because i cannot hear your voice

because i dont know how to pray

with or without.

because i think about the many six-months to come.

2006-09-01T21:33:00.000+08:00

happy teachers' day. none of you read this, which is perfect. i wanted to prepare something. studying tv eating sleeping is the life, so by the time i decided to get down to it, it was 6 hours to assembly.

i wonder if you guys cringe when you read the messages we write. are you appalled by the insincerity(it really isnt actually)? we drive you up the wall everyday, yet suddenly sing to a different tune on thirtyfirst august.

i wonder if you keep the little letters in boxes, and years from now when you're moaning over your depleting CPF, do you look at them? 'ahh i remember this one, irritating and noisy'

i wonder if you look at your friend's desk beside yours, looking to see if you had received more cards, bigger (oh they are so embarrassing) presents.

thank yall. sometimes i get the impression that school teachers are so detached, so cold-blooded. but that's wrong. four overseas trips is sufficient evidence (i am so blessed). this year brought along with it many opportunities to see you guys in better light. i've seen you in jeans, seen you in spectacles. heard the story of your mum scolding you from eating too many papayas. heard the story of your dislodged jaw. sat next to you in the spiderman ride, you make weird noises. i've seen you cry. i've seen you both giving money, and much more than that. you told us your love story. someone remind me, how long did we wait for you two to arrive? you got lost, and for once you needed students to show you the way. in times of sorrow, we were together. in times of anger, you yelled and we listened. in times of laughter, we teased and you listened. we laughed together. we rush to your class, we do not like to be scolded. we stroll to your class, you are later than us. everytime we realise you are lecturing, we sit right in front to show our love and support. when you are lecturing, we dare not not go. when you are lecturing, we talk about skipping it the entire day, but go for it anyway. you think i am rude, but secretly i think you're pretty good, just that much satisfaction is derived from arguing. you are funny. you are boring. sir i go for spaper lecture because of you. i remember your compliments, i remember your insults. i remember your bad english. you asked us to put our handphones in the microwave oven. i think you are the best teacher ever. teachers are humans too.

i have to go study, yes good grades are not enough. character; attitude; love. i hope to do you proud.

2006-08-31T19:50:00.000+08:00

happy birthday

i'm glad we went.
i'm glad for the rain.

You give and take away
You give and take away
my heart will choose to say
Blessed be Your name

such a tough song. who knows, even if the mind thinks it, the lips utter it, the heart can still refuse. i ask too many questions. sometimes i think i can hear the answer in my mind.

'my dear, you ask soo many questions. if I answer, would you comprehend? where were you when i laid the earth's foundations. tell me, if you understand. who marked off its dimensions? surely you know! who stretched a measuring line across it? ... who endowed the heart with wisdom or gave understanding to the mind ..'

trust My heart
your heart may fail from time to time, Mine will never.

2006-08-31T12:09:00.000+08:00

i frustrate the piano.
the piano irritates the siblings.
i know

friends are friends forever/if the Lord's the Lord of them/and a friend will not say never/cos the welcome will not end/though it's hard to let you go/in the Father's love we know/that a lifetime's not too long/to be as friends.

so heart wrenching.
a mountain of questions.
one futile request.

sometimes when the door creaks open, i wonder if it's you coming in. gosh it's insane to think about such nonsense. the notion that i may be insane does not drive them away. they just come. hope left. no amount of action can bring it back. later today, do i say hello or goodbye? why

not long enough
too short
i could have done so much more :(

2006-08-29T15:55:00.000+08:00

eyes were shut, staring into the darkness. light replaced the darkness. something was wrong, i didnt open my eyes. sparks flew. flames of fire sweeping around my head, it didnt hurt. a little afraid. okay fine, extremely. uttered some words, hoping i wouldnt understand them. thought, so that's what it feels like. wow

then i woke up.

stupid dream.
scoff, dont tell me you thought you could attain that.
attain, what a word.

slept. woke up.

went for gp.

wrote about deep and meaningful relationships.
wrote about hope.

it is probably a reminder, why does it feel like mockery
feng ci, that's the word

2006-08-25T20:37:00.000+08:00

over the sea and far away
she's waiting like an iceberg
waiting to change
but she's cold inside
she wants to be
like the water

2006-08-24T17:49:00.000+08:00

we're saying hello to all the goodbyes.
an entire string of them
peppered with 'remember your first day here?'
full of 'we wont forget, promise'
the brain scoffs, ohhh cliche stupid
the heart goes, aww man (all hope's not lost yet, great)

today was special. geography lecture had pupils sitting at the front row. the first time this insane class sat together in the history of geography lectures, sixone. not that we decided to be good, the intention was to aggravate some MJ and irritate, we did. ever had a lecturer squatting at your feet? math was good too, despite the many periods. for once, we had a nice talk from the teech. 'be good people, be nice'. hurhur now you tell us. (oh mervyn and i peeped at the funny mathematical proof thing again) physics is always nice, because he really helps us understooded. ahem. i <3 economics, but that's only because i hated it to the core before. we've got a great teech. i'm looking forward to the day we reply in one voice CAN DO. that would be perfect.

we moan and groan that life is bad. but really, when we consider the little things. so blessed. (:

we barely stepped in, now we're leaving.
we're in too deep, so tough to leave.
we're never gone in, how to leave?

okay i have to go study. afternoon unproductivity is disgusting. and i'm hooked to that hospital hongkong show which almost makes me want to be a doctor. nahh. complex numbers!

2006-08-21T20:04:00.000+08:00

a most delightful day (:

i'm ready for battle.
and i cant begin to describe how awesome
my commander
is.

2006-08-20T23:51:00.000+08:00

expectations make us robots.

all i do
is fulfill that impression in your mind
of what i will do.

great expectations are deadly
because i'm suffering from the
illness of the heart

2006-08-18T23:15:00.000+08:00

I am the cracked mirror of her dreams.

2006-08-18T15:53:00.000+08:00

feeble is the lamp of fame
by which man inscribes his name
on the walls of time for other men to see
though he boasts of wealth and power
none can help him in that hour
when the angels hear his plea
'is He satisfied with me?'

you, the little typhoon.
strong wind blows away
everything that i am
where do i go now?

2006-08-16T21:49:00.000+08:00

i'm tired of this rat race.
tired of the guilt
because i took an afternoon nap
because i read a magazine
because i got tired of white, and did this.
(not that guilt works, everything happened anyway)

i didnt feel like explaining what the last post is all about.
so when grace asked, i went 'its just crap la'
an overactive imagination, an overstretched brain, an overflowing of rambles.
would these reasons suffice?
no they do not.
just why did i call it crap?

(chowsf explained how tides worked today. amazing, how everything works together. he explained the laws of physics behind it, not all of it because he said that it'll be over our heads. he didnt tell us the importance of tides to us. he didnt mention the importance of the perfect distance between us and the moon. as if laws of physics are not overwhelming enough.)

this is what the last post is about.
this is what i should do about the weariness and guilt.
this is how to make everything better, meaningful.

not mugging, learning.
not perfect grades, understanding.
not good-paying jobs which will make people go wow,
enjoyment/purpose/fulfillment
(if i could combine all this, that would be awesome. leaving only this question, why do i want them to go wow? what good would it do to me?)

i'm wrong, more often than not

2006-08-13T22:33:00.000+08:00

i must find the love potion for deserts.

i hope it's real, something tangible; a mango-flavoured spell would be nice. that would really simplify matters. aside from the risk that i'll steal a camal from the zoo, remove the bedsheet from the sister's bed, empty my bank account to get a ticket to Africa and camp in the Sahara with a signboard above my tent reading 'desert lover'. okay not as uncomplicated as i hoped. however, in the event i really do all of the above, i promise to get you a 'someone who loves me very much went to the Sahara and bought me this shirt'. do not complain about the sand, they call it packaging. if the words look bloody, you would then have a better idea of the retail scene in the Sahara, and you will realise how much i love you.

(my poor camel)

i must love deserts.

2006-08-11T12:54:00.000+08:00

fear drives you
fear restrains you
fear does not bother you.

i fear everything there is to be afraid of. i fear sickness. i fear pain. i fear going blind deaf lame. i fear rejection. i fear acceptance. i fear fire. i fear that one day i'd walk into the kitchen and the microwave oven explodes. i fear radiation. i fear cancer.

i've written too many 'fear's, now it looks funny.
it sounds funny too

i fear putting my all into doing something, only to find that it aint worth a thing. i fear people dying. i fear eternity. i fear anger. i fear sharks. i fear snakes. i fear for my faith. i fear for my character. i fear for my integrity. i fear for the sincerity of my apologies. i fear for my grades. i fear for the fear for my grades. i fear giving for wrong reasons. i fear volcanoes. i fear earthquakes. i fear the bombs people strap to their waists. i fear atomic bombs. i fear war. i fear torture methods, especially the one they put a metal slab in fire, and place it on your skin. i fear being a stumbling block. i fear being self-centred. i fear that you will read this, and judge me. i fear rational fear. i fear irrational fear. i fear temptation. i fear seeking comfort in things that do not give. i fear questions i cannot answer. i fear that my family will fall apart.

i sing the song,
the world behind me, the cross before me.
i fear the day someone demands i choose again.
and i turn around.

2006-08-09T22:48:00.000+08:00

you can wear
my
hat
!

phil collins would be good company
on the road

2006-08-08T14:44:00.000+08:00

sunday, ET on TV.
images flooded the little brain. memories of having to give your name and get some card (which we thought was useless). remembering the walk through the 'forest' and the sweet ride over the 'city'. of course, who can forget the gigantic ET that started to produce noises which sounded vaguely familiar. oh yes, it's calling us. so the cards were not useless afterall. we should never have doubted, japanese are better than that. duhh.

i miss japan.

monday, emperor penguins on animal planet.
huge whale; beautiful dolphins; awesome jellyfish; smelly otters; ugly sunfish; freaky crabs.
hello again. jajajapan.

too many reminders.
when i walk past a japanese food stall, and pictures of bentos after bentos; the same shudder and churning in the stomach. when the sister was bidding for modules, the thought of studying that language next year came without invitation. walking past a Gucci store. hearing 'colours of the wind'. the mention of a kimono. the ocassional hello in school. sesame street. softball. ramen. guitar. deer. beef. ferris wheel. bridges. earthquakes. neoprints. singtel hicards. bullet. trains. 7gradepigs. coffee. cookie monster. JAPAN.

beautiful land of the rising sun. are we there yet?!
<3

toughen up, you said
okay

2006-08-05T08:06:00.000+08:00

i stole the sister's yoghurt.

meiji strawberry yoghurt.

she wont get mad,

cos the brother stole twice already.

and she only said

'i buy, you eat ah'

i could stay awake just to hear you breathing

watch your smile while you are sleeping

while you're far away dreaming

i could spend my life in this sweet surrender

i could stay lost in this moment forever

where every moment i spend with you

is a moment i treasure

stupid obsession

with perfect teeth

2006-08-04T20:31:00.000+08:00

hey stranger

2006-08-02T20:07:00.000+08:00

come on, little brain.
start working.
start working.
start working.
you cannot afford not to.
how will you survive, if you dont do better?

i wonder what a girl in Lebanon would say.
come on, fellow humans.
start forgiving.
start forgiving.
start forgiving.
we cannot afford not to.
how will we do better, if we do not survive?

2006-07-31T22:00:00.000+08:00

'if i had a camera, i'd take a picture of you everyday. that way i'd remember how you looked every single day of your life'

'i look exactly the same'

'no you dont. you're changing all the time. every day a tiny bit. if i could, i'd keep a record of it all'

'if you're so smart, how did i change today?'

'you got a fraction of a millimeter taller, for one thing. your hair grew a fraction of a millimeter longer. you got a little happier and also a little sadder.'

'meaning they cancel each other out, leaving me exactly the same'

'not at all. the fact that you got a little happier today doesnt change the fact that you also became a little sadder. every day you become a little more of both, which means that right now, at this exact moment, you're the happiest and saddest you've ever been in your whole life'

'what about you? are you the happiest and saddest right now that you've ever been?'

'of course i am'

'why?'

'because nothing makes me happier and nothing makes me sadder than you'

nicole krauss

how do you people think these up?
i wonder if you put tiny slips of paper into your pockets. when inspiration knocks, do you scramble to transform them from thought to paper? do you try your hardest to translate thought to word, thought to word. so raw, perhaps most honest

2006-07-28T21:48:00.000+08:00

we are not on talking terms.

i hate it

2006-07-26T20:33:00.000+08:00

i hope everyone gets a everything-is-futile day once in a while. i do not fancy the idea of being classified under 'shrink needed'. personality reports freak me out when they say that. like the recent psycho-report which wrote 'you are likely to miss the forest for a few trees'. for a moment, it felt like a dialogue in a cliche drama, where a group of friends is consoling A because her heart was broken by B. which is quite pointless, since A and B will live happily ever after eventually. it is so easy being a scriptwriter for a chickflick. i am stereotyping and belittling people again, box me. (ok too much detail)

i've been having too many everything-is-futile days.
physics tutorial is meaningless.
studying is stupid.
universities are scary, degrees are nothing.
serving is tiring.
countless more; i'm afraid to name.

irritation is at its highest. i hate to blame PMS. mybad x483
in need of forgiveness lessons
require love training
where has the secret time gone.

need to do better. so much better.

2006-07-24T18:01:00.000+08:00

i have your picture on my wall.
memories are getting hazy
it's there to clear things up.

i have your number in my mobile
pause.
stare at the call button.

i have your story in my head
coffee and tea in an english prison,
never the same

i have your song
want to grow old with you
different now

to you,
who never smiled for the camera
who made us smile so much it hurt
what hurt so much?

2006-07-22T08:57:00.000+08:00

i'm just happy everyone is home.
happy that all five beds are slept in
happy that my toilet is no longer only mine
happy that you're home

yesterday,
i looked forward to coming home more than usual.

those words keep coming; i know why
i dont let them leave
wish i didnt seek comfort
in something which does not give
say it again, one more time
one more gift

2006-07-18T21:40:00.000+08:00

cts have
concluded with a loud
bang: shot ;
how unfortunate.
top priority a
month before; current
status: dead.
the glorious
gravestone: silly
paper with
alphabets ; tree killers

too fleeting. who is quenched?

to the grandparents, aunties and uncles. who left two kids drowning with invitations to almost every meal last weekend. cheers for caring enough to call, plus all the costly dinners made worse by the two kids who fail to hold decent conversations. because we speak like bullet trains, suck at mandarin.. oh who can forget the huge blunder made by yours truly - telling my grandma we didnt want the dinner leftovers for next day's breakfast, because it was too mah fan to heat up before school. SIGH, quickly went to explain myself and asked a question this container can put in microwave oven right, then can bring home la. redeemed, i hope. kids these days ahh, dont know how to talk. seoul garden was darn expensive, thank you. the fruits left at the door, thank you. becoming leeches in glori's house, cheerios. phonecalls, thank yall. <3

the adventure wasnt that exciting, after a while. no government means more chores. absence makes the heart grow fonder, confirmed. i wonder if you miss us. somehow i have this strange feeling i'll never survive abroad. come running home after three days. hurhur

2006-07-17T21:39:00.000+08:00

'i believe God made me for a purpose, but He also made me fast. and when i run i feel His pleasure' Chariots of Fire
an uproar of questions.

'whenever i feel gloomy with the state of the world, i think about the arrival gates at Heathrow Airport. general opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but i dont see that. it seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as i know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. if you look for it, i've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.' Love Actually
(sounds good only when the prime minister says it. shrug)

not so funny. how we think the world of the celebs' opinions. yet consider the important and meaningful words, like wind swooshing beneath our ears. goes in one sides, negligible duration in the brain. lost in translation. i know.

i miss all of you.
1% jealousy cos yall having more fun
99% genuine longing for the too-noisy place it once was.
10 days is too long.
10 months is madness.
HURRY

2006-07-14T00:06:00.000+08:00

HELLO MALDIVES!
b e a u tiful (:
did you know that all buildings must be shorter than the tallest tree on each island? in the name of environmental conservation! <3geog<3geog
note: if josef tan is an introvert, we're all hermits :p

roaming parkway parade with nic grace ~~wally~~ wanting is lovely. plus crystal jade and the amusing manager, gramophone and fiveforfightingggg. absolutely lovely (:

too funny.
julian painted his nails black for whoknowswhat reasons.
mr chow saw and being mr chow, he said
"aiyoh you slammed the door on your fingers ahh?"
(class laugh and laugh)
"poor thing"
(class LAUGH and LAUGH)
you're the best sir. always (((:

if i ever become a teacher (yes highly unlikely)
i want to be just like you.
smileee

2006-07-12T21:38:00.000+08:00

it's scary. i'm supposed to be strange, created to be different. why dont i feel like a sore thumb. called to be a light, yet i'm blending into the darkness. something is wrong. i'm not doing enough. then again, when can anyone reach enough?

in yesterday's show, a 1980s clip was shown of Ellen doing her stand up thing. she talked about a conversation with God, a telephone conversation. reason being she wanted to ask Him why He created fleas. so it went something like that, if my memory does not fail me. one-sided convo, of course.

'Hi God!'
'it's ellen'
'ellen'
'um ellen degeneres'
'ya it does sound like that doesnt it, i hear that alot. haha'
'ohh dont worry about it, i'll wait'
pause. starts to sing 'onward christian soldier...'

'hello You're back!
'ya i was just singing to the tape'
'oh someone was at the gate, i see'
'okay i wanted to ask you a question'
'hurhur bet You knew that already'
'ummm why did You create fleas'
-long pause
'wow i never knew so many people were employed by kill-flea agencies'
'right of course, the amount of people needed to produce sprays is huge'
'i understand now, thanks alot!'

'sure i dont mind a joke'
'who's there?'
'god who'
'ahh godzilla. um haha'
'ya not too funny'

'how 'bout i tell You a joke'
'knock knock'
'god'
got to go now'
'yes i know You saw that coming. hahaha'
'see Ya!!'

it was funny, really. way funnier than this. i cant remember most parts, and her word usage is incredible. yet at the same time, not really accurate dont you think.
You will never ask me for my name, nor my surname. You'll know who i am before i speak a word. You'll never put me on hold, in fact it's always the other way round. and the tape of my life and my words is nothing like that song. most of the time, i dont want You to hear it. but You do, even the words that do not come out from my mouth. of course, i'm sure You're reallyreally funny. God, help me to stick out like a sore thumb. cos this aint home. kick me when i get too comfortable, please.

2006-07-11T21:50:00.000+08:00

ellen degeneres is funny, really.
being a standup comedian is soo hard. okay this is a bad time to find a good afternoon show. it's good that i've progressed from afternoon naps to afternoon shows, but i better perfect the afternoon study. too many afternoon A level papers. i'm dooooomed, again.

half of my results are back and considering the effort, i'm too blessed. thank You. math heart-attack tomorrow (and that's after it was postponed twice in 2 days). GP next week. geography in a million years time. prelim timetable heart-attack today. all together now, we are dooooomed. NOT. c'mon! all we need to do is work hard, and prove all those teachers wrong. (: go everyone!

it must be hard being a parent. loving your kid so much and wanting the best for them, yet they say you're naggy and oldfashioned and uncool (general, not individual opinion). knowing they need to be corrected, yet you want them to love you too. sooo tough. sometimes you just want to shake us awake and/or give us an understanding pill and/or send us to some remote jungle to learn contentment, right? if the remaining days turned out to be a total nightmare, at least i've learnt something. i'm really sorry. and i hope you both dont read this. -shruggg

awesomeweek
awesomeweek
awesomeweek

2006-07-09T21:14:00.000+08:00

i have to match every homework Grace does.
~~normal distribution~~
~~area&volume homework~~
nuclear physics
differential equations
case study

4 hours to soccer
10 hours to assembly
i'm dooooomed

it's almost 24 hours since we've been forsaken. no i'm joking, that is unfair. it's almost 24 hours since we said goodbye to the parents and the sister. it's almost 10 months since we said goodbye to the other sister. guess what, we're still alive! no quarrels no fights. no yet. sorry to disappoint you lalala. it should be a good week. i suggested mopping the house once to make it clean and lovely for the old sister. and i heard a simple 'okay'. no reluctance whatsoever. so happy (: maybe this will be the beginning of an overdue good relationship. and 60 years down the road, we'll remember this 10 days fondly and say to each other 'gosh you were darn irritating, thank God you grew out of it!' i wish we could fast-forward 60 years now. no esther, you dont want that.

itwillbeanawesome10days x257683

love, evil witch

2006-07-06T21:41:00.000+08:00

i wanted to write about the bad dream.
i did write about the bad dream.
it disappeared, the prose about the bad dream.
and the bad dream
doesnt seem so bad after all.

if words can run away as if nothing happened,
who can blame the bad dream for escaping.

i know why i write. there's nothing noble about it, frankly it's everything selfish. i wish the intention was good : to make the world a better place and (we could go on forever). but really, it's for me. many people like to say, 'i do this because it keeps me from going mad'. well the idea is pretty much the same here, except i know i'm far from the brink of insanity, guess it doesnt really count then. 'it makes me happy' does not sound correct either. let's just say it is nice putting thoughts into words, even though there are unwritten rules in what you can say, what is taboo, what is irritating.. nonetheless it is lovely and one can get hooked. an outlet for frustration, press the delete button and it disappears (: i'm not sorry.

manyi trashed everyone else, as usual.
congrats, dear friend (:

2006-07-05T23:36:00.000+08:00

i really should sleep now to wake up at 0250.
i really should have finished normal distribution by now.
i really should do nuclear physics after the match.

'her romantic mind was like the tiny boxes, one within the other, that come from the puzzling East, however many you discover there is always one more'
- Barrie (peterpan)

'very, very moody'

2006-07-03T21:57:00.000+08:00

self sufficiency is not the way. much as i would like it to be, it is impossible. of course you can define it differently, maybe it'll sound correct then. but as i know it now, to be self-sufficient is to be nothing. i have no control over anything.

roaming shenton way alone tomorrow. sounds good (:

2006-07-03T00:58:00.000+08:00

angst is stupid.

i miss school.
irony is clever.

self-sufficiency is stupid.
you are clever.
if you just cared to look behind you,
you'd find me desperately trying to fit into your footprint.
and if you just bothered to look for a while longer
you'd see i've been doing it for years.

now turn back
dont stare at my feet
who can follow you
if you fall into a ditch

2006-06-30T00:04:00.000+08:00

i'm sleepy, but i need to write.
it's nice being alone in the room, but i like the whole house to be filled. at least things can be done without scrutiny. and help, if i ever need it, is just a word away. dont even need to shout.

yesterday was pretty horrible. just me and my brother. a perfect rehearsal of what is to come. sheesh i thought it would be quite fun, really. o well i just realised it's an awesome responsibility. plus the amount of self-control needed to not eat sleep live within a metre radius around the tv is enormous. no better way to learn to take care of myself and someone else, figure out the washing machine. and relive japan - sleep on mattress

why write? i have no idea

my head hurts. so maybe physical laws still count in the human world. pressure release (geographyy) can cause curvillinear cracks. i just need to get everything back together, do the right thing. quit worrying. get my choleric back because it's flying away and i cant see it within me. maybe it never was, just impressions untrue. am planning to plan. planning to start. starting tomorrow, or today for that matter. selfsufficency is the way to go.

now i know why i write.
the time article made me want to go to Eton. only it's for guys :(
one cannot be selfsufficient if the mind is easily influenced
and the flesh easily tempted.

2006-06-28T16:15:00.000+08:00

just physics. cmon, just 24 hours and 45 minutes left. to bliss and sleep and tv and books and the beautiful path beside the non-stinky canal in bishan. C'MON

i'm a horrible friend. totally
:((

2006-06-27T14:12:00.000+08:00

blocks have started. i cant believe i'm half done already. left with 10 minutes of break before i go shower, then become a tourist and bury myself in the desert to curse the weather. geography aint easy, especially with topics like climate and deserts.

okay math was a killer, it murdered brain cells and stabbed shoulders. no one should ever take three hour papers in lecture theatres. and econs totally shocked us off our seats. i mean who ever sets investment questions? GP was alright thankfully, because we had geography questions :)) environmental degradation, YES! comprehension was interesting, and summary was stupid because we have nothing to write. we were practically adding in extra words just to hit the word limit. not that i did, i was still 10 words off, and that's after accounting for words that could be there but arent. Explain the irony in the above passage. (2m)

SATs scores are up. wanted to wait till blocks are done before checking, but couldnt resist. i cant write for nuts. i only had 2 marks for the essay! and that's out of 6. gosh it was poorly organized, demonstrates serious problems with coherence and blahblahblah - according to the report. haha i was kinda expecting it, but it's quite sad really. try againnn.

i've been writing weird stuff these few days. sentences i dont normally write under exam conditions, even word usage has been going haywire. it's actually quite liberating and fun to do it. writing what i'm thinking word for word instead of trying to phrase it properly to sound clever. at least if the marker says i sound stupid, it wont be so bad because i didnt even try to sound clever. okay that doesnt make much sense. haha this is the last exam i'm allowed to screw up. so i'm gonna throw exam etiquette into the trash. and have a little more fun for once.

my old sister sent me a 'dont stress and i'll see you soon' sms.
so happy ((:

2006-06-22T14:40:00.000+08:00

i'm reading peterpan. the real classic, because it says on the back complete and unabridged. real classics selling for four dollars seventythree cents. niceee.

bet i can finish peterpan and sherlock holmes. not too sure about charles dicken's hard times. maybe i'll just finish it for the sake of finishing it. pretend i understand it, and go back to get more. for all you know, this can't-understand-but-still-trying thing will pay off, and i'll enjoy Crime and Punishment. in thirty years

The man who wrote PeterPan. something Barrie. well, he puzzles me. and i bet he would be puzzled about how his creation turned out. peter is a little stupid. tinkerbell is evil. wendy is weirdd. is my memory failing me? because the real peterpan doesnt sound like a fairytale. really quite unlike the impression i had. stamped in my brain thanks to cartoons, and huge books with huge prints and huge pictures. i cant categorise peterpan. a tinge of mockery hidden in innocence is always facinating, no? fancy someone writing about Neverland while staring at Hyde Park London. makes me want to return to the statue i heard they erected in the memory of him.

maybe it's all the tourism readings, my travelling legs are itchy. thanks to my sister, for succeeding in what i'm dying in now - studying. i've got the chance to return claiming to want to see her. and claiming the truth, duhhh. i've got all i need, except cash (:

2006-06-21T15:30:00.000+08:00

just a week left, too far behind to catch up.
let's go in with empty heads, and cry.
hate the indifference. hate the panic attacks.
hate lazing around during the term, and trying to cram everything in last minute, compromising on every other thing that is more important.
darn i really hate it.

jane made me sound like a stupid tyrant. if you think about it real carefully, it does not make sense. imagine, me yelling the house down, jane curling on the floor laughing and ziteng staring into space, dreaming about the dream that flowed away with the water. ridiculous. anyway we did everything in much smaller degrees. she laughed a little, he stoned a little. i scolded a little, and it's no point defending myself now because i'm self-centred and nothing is fair when humans are involved. so let's leave it as that. IM A TYRANT GRR.
haha we had fun, really. we even ate icecream but had no water to wash the spoons -.-

i wrote the above on monday. so now there's only half a week left! and the flooding incident is forgotten. exams are crazzyy and i really do not like the strong televisional force.

oh man, only 3 minutes of break left :(

yay my hair is cut.
told my mum that the blocks are gonna kill me.
dreamed that oysters evolved into some huge scary thing in my freezer. my mum and i tried to kill it, but she gave up and went out to read the papers. i got scared, went to ask her to come back. came back alone. realised i left the freezer door open and the huge scary thing was on the floor grabbing my foot. arrrghhhh. finally i woke up. gosh it was horrible. must be the scary experience in malaysia, seeing a eel-like fish in a small fish tank, with its fins cut off. and chained to the floor. ughh

2006-06-12T00:26:00.000+08:00

i miss japan.
it's freaky that i had to force myself to bring their gifts, because i couldnt bear not seeing that cute kimono(ahhhh) girl cartoon again. it was 'esthernotyours' x23847 . stupid embarrassing obsession, arrghh shoot me.

i have a whole long list of everything i miss. just five now.
i miss agnes. alot
i miss stella. a little, haha.
i miss ARE WE THERE YET?
i miss looking forward to..
i miss the support i thought you promised.
:(

disappointment is so real. lately, it seems like an everyday thing. shrug. a fallen race, everyone in need of grace. stupid planks in eyes. wretched heart.

2006-06-07T16:53:00.000+08:00

they aint good enough
too bad they're all we got.

2006-06-04T23:43:00.000+08:00

~~we cant not return, despite everything.~~ (that is so stupid and meaningless, i cant believe i wrote that.gosh) so here we are again, trying to cope with the huge impact of crashing back to ground zero after reaching an all-time high. here we are again, trying to store every single moment into the lump of gray matter, because it was so darn i-almost-cant-stand-it FUN and nice.

cant say i wanted to come back.
cant say i didnt.
mixed feelings; no regrets

it's interesting how everyone's different. it's scary how everyone's hurt, and too wrapped out about ourselves to see that others are hurting too. it's AWESOME, the reminder that teachers are humans and instructors are CRAPPY. it's intriguing how such a wonderful country exists, how the people live their lives day in day out, and i know none of them, nor they know me. it's mind-boggling how vast the universe is, how beautiful the stars are, how people can understand japanese, how everything works the way they work, how people do the things they do.

i left my heart earring in japan. maybe more, i have no idea. nothing else tangible, that's for sure.

warty fingers. stinging eyes. dry lips. hurting knees.
DARN.
oh, who can forget the GREEN STOOL (:

2006-05-29T17:42:00.000+08:00

so much good in goodbye.

familiarity bores so we
withhold; how
burdensome
no one knows we
know; how liberating

mock envy condemn, secretly
blatantly wrong.

so much to leave behind
nothing worth returnin to
unworthy to return
as if there's a difference

2006-05-26T22:55:00.000+08:00

it's been a fanstastic week, and we're happily happy. i dont suppose you want to hear all about it, but i'll just record it, for memory's sake. classes were exceptionally boring tiring and long, maybe it's a teacher who's causing all the misery. i hope that you'll stop being angsty (because you're old so you dont have the right to be, i'm jokinggg). you're my favourite teacher, nothing will change that. i guess that's the reason why the disappointment is so great, i expected better sir. so i'm hoping that this long break will rid the bitterness, and we get the old you back. gosh, all of us know we need it. dont give up on us! please

oh the favourite teacher thing. haha jane was just telling me, how students are being downright unfair when they claim that teachers are so biased (laoshi! ok nevermind). afterall, we all prefer certain teachers, and are EVIL to others. HM i never ever thought about it from that angle before, all the double standards. we're too guilty.

i am digressing. let's go back to how good this week was. well, concert is over, so the huge pressure is lifted and we are always having fun during practices. this does nothing but fuel the excitment about japan. to some people, i say i dont feel anything out of the ordinary. to others, i say i'm superduper excited. haha i dont know how i feel exactly, so my answer depends on my mood at that particular time. maybe it's the fear that i'll expect too much and invite disappointment, so i'm trying real hard to feel normal. o well (:

FINALS. i love vj i love vj i love vj. ahahaha actually i managed to watch just ONE of it, soccer. and snippets of softball when i sneaked out of practices. gosh, it's the BEST thing ever. i love matches so much. everyone's talking about every soccer detail, so i shall do just the opposite. besides i know nuts about soccer, in fact i just learn what the offside thing is all about yesterday. it was really pretty scary, and most of the time, i was ready to accept that we're going to lose again. the first response is to pray (for once, one might say). i mean, what else can i do. other than cheer my lungs out, cheer my throat sore, and cheer my hands numb. the players cant hear anything. and yet, at the same time, how to pray? Father, i pray that vj wins. Father i pray that mj misses. i cant do that, i couldnt. so i tried the 'correct' prayer, 'Father may Your will be done'. and yet i know full well i didnt want to accept His will if it wasnt in line with my desire. oh we struggle, so so much. vjc soccer won, yet my lesson's half done. at least this Teacher wont give up. teach us how to lose. teach us how to win (:

sixone's surprise. yall make me so happy. LOVE :D

who cares if that PSYCHOmetric test was disgusting. a timely reminder that we're not as smart as we like to be. and the scary realisation that i can't multiply manually no more. alright this is so long, i think i've exhausted all the posts for the rest of the month, and next month. you can find me sleeping at mugging lane in 9 days. till theblocksareover, sayonara :))) GO VEEJAY. c'mon!

2006-05-23T23:13:00.000+08:00

we could use with

more laughter
more walks
more books
more responsibility
more memory
more love

and more people like nicole.
'principles, my dear!'
darn it's so hard, what will i do without you.
GRIN/GRIM

2006-05-21T01:07:00.000+08:00

the beauty of a rose, is its destiny of death.

for we appreciate the fleeting

take for granted the unchanging

until they change

until they leave

have we forgotten? i cant bear it.
would you call that forgetting? DENY
you threw us into this situation, we're clueless.
we know not, the correct response. the right thought.
the ideal reaction. for that stupid action.
i cant say i miss you.
i cant say i dont.
you made me question my compassion
question my purpose.
i dislike detest hate the answer.
it shouldnt have happened.
i havent lost the need to know why.
maybe someday i'll have all the answers.
i'm not crying. but someone out there is.
you dont hear, do you?
you revealed my selfishness, to heights i'd never thought possible.
you dont know, do you.
where are you

2006-05-19T23:52:00.000+08:00

it's done, oh finally it's over.
and we're drunk with satisfaction.
a nice big tick to the huge item on the insanely long checklist, feels liberating and so fine.
i'm really glad.
too much thanking to do. thank You.

gosh i'm shacked. and it really doesnt help that i'm once again reminded at how bad i am with the lets-keep-in-touch thing. sigh it'll probably sound like i'm giving excuses, so never mind. maybe i am, maybe that's why things are like that today. i'm clueless about what i should do now.

sometimes i just wish i'm really good at something. and i mean really good. like how some people are so good with the piano, guitar, making people feel comfortable... blahblahblah. but we shouldnt think that way right? no we shouldnt, cos we're made different, thankfully! at least i can open canned food reallyreally well ((:

okay i'm getting incoherent.
there's tons of homework to slog through
many finals to look forward to -GRIN
J A P A N (i still cant believe i'm visiting a place before agnes!)

so much blessings, we can't contain it

2006-05-17T23:03:00.000+08:00

darn, i wish i were in softball.

then again, there wont be JAPAN! i'm so excited, yet unwilling. let's just say unwilling to go for the exchange programme because they will be so good and we will be so lousy. but there's so much to look forward too! the plane ride, universal studios, the memorium, all the meals and nights. arrgh tell me who can sit down to get homework done at this time? plus all the matches and practices. the cinema and library and BED. sheesh i feel like giving up my student status, then claim it back after 3 weeks. which sadly, is the time to cram everything and hope we dont explode.

i love school. it's one of the places where it seems everyone knows what they're supposed to do, and go ahead with it. it's hard to find that elsewhere. it's one of the places where i'm only responsible for my own actions, which will change in the working world, so they say. i'm dreading the day we're kicked out, because i have a badbad feeling we wont know each other anymore. it's really hard, the keep-in-touch thing.

to think i was counting down to the time i'd leave. how strange, our fickleness.
as for now, we'll cheer our hearts out and hope for a FULL day off to bum at someone's house!

if i were happier, there'll be two of me. (:
and if i sneezed anymore, there'll be three of me.
so now, we cant decide whether to laugh or cry.

2006-05-16T23:49:00.000+08:00

i refuse to be swayed by impulse.
can't allow it.

you're mighty fine.
laughh

2006-05-14T23:35:00.000+08:00

ALL THE BLOOPERS

2006-05-10T22:14:00.000+08:00

time's special issue : 100 most influential people in the world today. a delightful read.

funny how they're so famous, and i only know 18%. more than half being celebrities. okay, so it is not at all amusing, and i am only broadcasting my stupidity if i say they're not outstanding enough. i'm at fault, no doubt about that. interestingly, the major issues now are global warming and improving people's lives. if you didnt give up trying to open eyes to increasing world temperature. if you gave tons of money to some charity. if you're doing all you can to find the cure for Aids. if you're going to third world countries, to experience just a little of what people are going through, and then return to your world to share. all this and more, heh you're on your way to becoming the next most influential person. the next unconventional hero.

not forgetting all the google skpe flickr inventors, and of course the president of the united states.

what can be said about the list? to some, it could just a list. perhaps an encouragement. maybe an eye-opener. and according to the cynics, another attempt to claim that good people exist in the world (not that all influential people are good). to me, it's a little bit of all these. lists change all the time, one day you're popular; the next, you're forgotten. it's just another list. yet a timely reminder that we dont have to be exceptionally smart or famous to be make an impact. just sticking to our principles in rough times, just standing up for what is right when it is so darn hard. in fact, you can make a huge impact just by being the lousiest president the world has ever seen. gosh, how easy it is to be influential?

which is why these questions are so important. am i on someone's 'top 100 most influencial people to me' list? am i positive or negative? okay let me digress to say hello to MR KERVIN TANG. my cool ex-teacher. you're on my list! definitely positive -grin

after all this, we can't not thank, can we?
for all the people who'd made an impact, whether directly or not, whether good or bad
to the Giver of all good things, thank You.
dont let me forget.

2006-05-05T22:28:00.000+08:00

ahaha, the only good thing about polling day is getting kicked out of school to kenny roger's. whee the food, great as usual; the company, better than ever! how timely. just on monday, i was thinking about how i havent laughed properly for a long time. then poof, came this fanstastic week. not that it came out of nowhere, thank You.

SMILEE.

oh. i'm done with twopointfour too! unless i repeat yeartwo, i would never have to run round the track, trying to beat time again. i prefer straight roads and no pressure, thank you. so we're left with five items, which equates to the almost-impossible jump again. hope everything will go well, and that napfa will end nicely for all of us.

kill the pessimist.
expel the sloth.
shoot the skeptic.
listen more, talk less.
sleep less, dream less.
quit the evil streak.
and we'll do just fine.
just fine

2006-05-03T22:44:00.000+08:00

' A fine line separates the weary recluse from the fearful hermit. Finer still is the line between hermit and bitter misanthrope '
really?

the piano that shouts regret, over and over again. but we cant beat up ourselves now can we? after all the 'encouragements' that poured out from the mouth saying come on, do something about it, maybe we had no idea how to comfort, nothing else to say. not that we didnt mean it, not that we forgot the difference between words and actions. just that we can't comprehend how huge the gap is.

maybe someday, i'll stop replacing all the 'i's with 'we's.
maybe someday, i'll play regret away.
the impeccable blacknwhites.
how nebulous.
you, amazing raconteur.

2006-04-29T08:21:00.000+08:00

heaps of burning coal.

what's wrong with the Y?

2006-04-26T00:11:00.000+08:00

i dont understand why i cant do that stupid math assignment.

the nose decided to protest again. so i killed 293847 people's tissues in class, skipped econs lect, slept the way home, drank hot milo, slept till it was time to prepare dinner. SOOO to make up for the lost time, i decided to do more work after watching teevee. but math is so discouraging, i need another break.

current hottest question in class.
"why are we still doing econs?!"
i think we are all insane. all the people who say that econs only make sense after we've learnt everything better be right, because i've been having too many thoughts like 'maybe i should have done chemistry instead'. heh then i would tell myself 'if you had taken chemistry, you would miss out on being in such a great class'. and then i would think 'maybe the class i would have gone to had i taken chem is better than s61'. AND then i would conclude that that is impossible, so better to do econs la. haha, oh the lengths we go to convince ourselves.

okay, i've thought of a way to approach the math question.
haha it's gonna be a great week!
TMS everyone, dont forget (((:

2006-04-22T00:00:00.000+08:00

what is truth?

how can we ever prove that a certain theory is true? well we experiment and test and do all sorts of insane stuff. and yet, most of the time, none are conclusive. it's interesting, really, that most theories are accepted on the basis of being "beyond a reasonable doubt". otherwise, how can scientists continue to research and present new ideas to refute the old. but, just one correct experiment which goes against the "truth" is enough to bring it down. it's overwhelming, one test to certain a lie, yet nothing is enough to certain a truth.

but i know truth, You are truth. and it doesnt matter if the speed of light as we know it is false. it doesnt matter if lettuce are bad for health or if earth does not circle the sun. i believe You are the truth. and someday i can ask all the questions, and know truth without experimenting or testing (:

what is a scientist's biggest dream? well someone said that it is to find a equation or a law that explains everything in our universe. i didnt hear it from a scientist, but it makes sense. if i were a scientist, i would want to do that too! along with the nobel prize and enough money to buy singapore, of course. is that possible? perhaps a fanstastic equation with 9845 constants and 295 variables. maybe just a variable multiplied to the speed of light. how about G O D? i dont need no equation. dont tell me science is totally unrelated to religion. for what proof do we have that science is correct, how many assumptions do we have for each theory. no, we need so much faith for science and religion alike.

i always thought we could count on mathematics. everything is about math, it never fails. humans do. "human interaction is the hardest thing", someone said that, and i totally agree. yet no matter how hard i try, i cant do without, cannot make it la. just a little argument could turn the entire day around. we rely on relationships as much as we rely on math, perhaps even more. and it was the little not-so-hard-but-significant-enough-for-me-to-be-affected lesson that taught me what i always knew, but refused to admit. so thank You so much for the blessing of friendship and family. which brings me to the point that it is my

ERJIE's BIRTHDAY today! wow i've known her for like 17yrs11months. cant imagine what it would be like without her. i mean, this is a regular convo.
esther : you know what happened in school today? ...
jane : oh i must tell you what happened in PL today...
esther : this teacher scolded ...
jane : this student told ...
esther : i slept in GP ...
jane : TODAY STAFF ROOM NO AIRCON.
esther : listen to me!
jane : let me finish first la!!

the art of incoherence, and wonderful conversations (if you call that a conversation). please note that you can only do this with someone closely related to you by blood, for obvious reasons :D

AND that basically sums up the entire week. the conflicts and resolving those conflicts. the pain resurfacing, and quieting. and floorball (: and now, back to math.

2006-04-19T22:01:00.000+08:00

so far behind.
how to catch up

2006-04-17T01:05:00.000+08:00

maybe i am.

it's times like this, when i can do nothing but trust. good for me then, i really need this lesson. heh permit me to use dachangjin. it's a good show filled with too many bad people, too few good ones. and with all the hardship and evil schemes against her, sometimes it is hard to watch. yet i continue because i know the ending, and i know that everything will turn out well in the end. she will be honoured, find love, enemies will die blahblahblah. whatever she goes through is temporary and she's learning everyday.

sounds familiar?
we know the future, so let's not fret.
abraham didnt know God would prepare a ram in place of his son.
joseph didnt know God would use him to save the people from famine when he was sold, when he was thrown into prison.
moses didnt know God planned for him to lead His people out of egypt when he was banished to the desert.
how many more examples do we need?

esther, stand firm! for we know what God has in store for us, if we remain faithful. please, teach me how to live.

2006-04-14T21:38:00.000+08:00

finally, i kicked myself out of bed to go for a run. i love it, especially when you see seasoned runners who give you inspiration. and couples running with such mo qi you could almost hear "left left left right". now that's sweet (: beautiful sky, cool weather, and the canal that never stinks. i can't ask for more.

finally, we found sashes for our concert attire! pretty cheap, but we're gonna bargain somemore, duh! heh i had a great time hanging out with yingying and zhini today. especially bumming around with yingying at kino, having senseless convos, stupid comebacks and serious comments. haha it never fails to amaze me how we're so different. man, we're so gonna kill each other in japan :D so exciting!

finally, after a whole week of memorising the qing ming poem, we went to the cemetry to remember my great-grandparents and great-grantauntie. i enjoy it, even though i havent met most of them. a good tradition, which i'm sure the family intends to continue (: i found out that bible verses in mandarin are especially meaningful. maybe it's because i've been in church all my life, so i've heard many verses, it's nice to have a new perspective.

finally, PW results are out, TWO. of course a 1 would be nice, but i'm not disappointed or devastated. i'm just glad that it's over. (: but i was disappointed by your response, even your words. it's sad that you feel that way, and frankly i expected better from you. much better.

so it was an awesome week, and a good weekend. plenty of needed reminders, and doing important stuff. and by that, i dont mean homework. sheesh i really have to learn time management. cmon esther! oh yes, i'm NOT stressed. haha when i pull a black face or scrunch up my eyebrows, i'm just sleepy. thanks for all the concern though. i'm trying to smile more now! cheerios :))

2006-04-12T23:44:00.000+08:00

it's a random clashing of thoughts. like photons crashing onto metal and emitting electrons. maybe if i can find the stopping potential, i might be able to sleep and not dream, for once. wait, i have comprehension to complete before sleep. ahh shucks, i'll do it tomorrow.

what happens when we give so much of ourselves, and lose? can we really say 'oh i've given my best therefore i have no regrets.' i cant stomach that, because i dont know what 'best' is.
what happens when we give so much of ourselves, and win? can we really say 'i did it not by my strength, but by His'. i have no answer.

so now, every thought seems to revolve around
alpha and omega man.
sherlock holmes and Jesus.
the satisfaction, and CMIs.
the scary lack of ability to teach.
the lesson on judging and loving.
propriety and the inappropriate
righteousness and sin.
television and books.
cross and condemnation.
reasons and motives.
evil and good.
self-glorifying and self-degrading.
sleep.

2006-04-12T00:23:00.000+08:00

God of the moon and the stars
God of the near and far
God of the fragile hearts we are, i come to You
God of the history
God of the future that will be
What will You make of me, i come to You

God of our joy and grief
God of the lawyer and the thief
God of our faith and unbelief, I come to you
God of the wounds we bear
God of the deepest dreams we share
God of our unspoken prayer, I come to you

God of a world that's lost
God of a lonely cross
God who has come to us, i come to You.
cheerios jie. thank you so much (((:

2006-04-09T22:59:00.000+08:00

teach me to guard my secret time
lock it, run five bolts across the steel door.
that nothing would come between.

hm i just realised that it's april, and TMS is round the corner.

i always get this feeling that you're hearing all about my problems and struggles, but i dont ask you for yours. nevertheless, thanks for listening today. i will stop saying 'i guess'. i guess (haha) it's a habit, but i will change it. say 'i will' more often. cheers (:

it's overwhelming, to think about all the bad habits i have to get rid off. and the massive distance i have to walk away from my comfort zone. but that's no excuse! step by step, we're getting closer.
and closer.
and closer (:

it's gonna be an awesome week!

2006-04-09T00:55:00.000+08:00

sometimes it seems as if He dying on the cross to show me His love, is not enough for Him.
the cross is enough, it is more than enough.
You blow my mind with Your extravagance and unfailing love.
how sinful, how unbecoming of me, to belittle Your character by judging You against man to the point that i sometimes conclude that You can't love me or anyone in this world.

You love unconditionally.
gosh we dont even need reasons to hate people, yet our standards to love others are awfully high.
i'm sorry.

the cross.
intersection between love and just
not a compromise, not plan B.
the horizontal, Your love extends forever, it never ends.
the vertical, Your righteousness and integrity never bends.
grace and suffering meet.
because of three nails and an empty grave.
in heaven, right beside You is my seat.
i'm not worthy.
but it's neither a salary nor wage.
they call it grace.
by the blood of the Lamb. (:

so amazing, aint it.

2006-04-08T08:32:00.000+08:00

i shouldnt have gone to school yesterday. it was just economics lecture and GP. ok GP was not that bad, we watched a documentary! so we watched 'the coporation' which is pretty boring unless you listen to every word spoken. then you'll get involved and start feeling what the producers want to evoke in the audience.

MANKIND HAS NO FUTURE.
because we are stupid selfish creatures that walk on two legs, thinking we have power over the planet (which we do not have) and taking whatever we want from it.
question, do You look down from Your heavenly throne above, and weep?

of course, i'm supposed to take the documentary with a pinch of salt. after all it talked about advertising and the manipulation of the consumer's minds. surely this is another show to influence people. gosh sometimes i dont know what to think. with so many differing views, so many opinions and ideas, who is correct? but that is a stupid question to ask, because i'm supposed to know the answer. in fact, i know the correct answer, just not worthy to say it.

in our secret hearts, we are all thankful that we're living in this age, living now. because we cant imagine how the generations after us would suffer the effects of our actions. perhaps we dont dare imagine, maybe we have no idea what legacy we're leaving behind. this is scary stuff, and i want to do something about it.
i just dont know how.

oh do you know the beautiful pictures you see in environmental magazines. no i dont deny their beauty. i really want to believe that's what the world is about; lovely oceans, beautiful forests, and of course clean natural habitats for the wild to live as they're supposed to. BUT that's hardly true, isnt it.

we just dont see the pictures.
gosh, how disgusting can we get.

2006-04-04T23:36:00.000+08:00

it shouldnt come to this.
it shouldnt be reduced to this state when i'm constantly asking myself
'what's the point'
'why do i even care, when others dont'
can't let it happen. NO.
i'll bother, even if you dont.
so now we ask ourselves
is bothering enough?

it comes back to the HEART
always the heart.
i cant understand it.
and sometimes i'm afraid of what i dont see in mine.
man, i'm already ashamed of the flaws.
i can't imagine the unknown.

no right to comment, i know.

i dont want to want a hero's welcome.
i dont want to want to give just to receive a prize.

i love school though, that i'm sure (:

gosh music from musicals are the best, especially when the orchestra plays. whoaa. sigh if i were to tell you my dream or goal in life whatever you call it, you'd laugh. it's okay, better to have a dream than have none (: similarly, better to have done a third of a GP essay (if you think you're difficult, tell me and i'll show you the paper to prove to you that it beat you), than to have a blank sheet. so off to bed to dream of weird dreams like your form teacher giving you a HORRIBLE testimonial. sheesh i had that dream on sunday afternoon, which totally SCARED ME OUT OF MY WITS. fine, i was supposed to be revising for spa but i forgot all about it. serves me right then. heh.

2006-03-30T17:29:00.000+08:00

i
tnod
wonk
woh
ot
evol
uoY

2006-03-29T20:56:00.000+08:00

darn i am confused.

some guy came to talk about NTU's physical mathematics. (which is really physics and math). so now it's goodbye aeroplanes , hello algebra. gosh i should not be so easily influenced by what people suggest. i really should do what i like and choose to do. so that if it turns out to be difficult, i can only say 'esther you stick to your choices'. THAT makes a huge difference, cos part of the pycho-ing is done, and i can't complain.

weird question.
do you want to be soft and flabby like a mushroom, or strong and sturdy like the oak tree?

i need to talk to Him more.

2006-03-27T18:58:00.000+08:00

A CONVO ON WEIRDNESS.

"We'll be okay," she said

"We are okay."

"We're weird and screwed-up, but we're okay," she agreed.

If someone invented a thermoneter that measured weirdness, it would melt under my tongue. But you - you're cool."

"So you deny me weirdness but agree that i'm screwed-up."

"I see your problem. Certain kinds of weirdness can be hip, but screwed-upness never is."

"Exactly."

"It wasn't gentlemently of me to deny you your weirdness."

"Apology accepted."

no i didnt have such a weird conversation on being weird and screwed-up. grabbed it from a book, whose author is pretty weird, i have to admit. not the conventional kind of stories, some plots blow you away. yet his choice of words is fanstatic. a certain honestly, yet a tinge of sarcasm and mockery i like. he describes events and people just perfectly. but that's only my opinion, yes the uneducated spectator. in any case, i have a heightened respect for authors. gosh i can imagine how tough it is to write a good book with publishers chasing after you, threatening to abandon. anyway, presenting THE WEIRD CONVO(i named it) from Odd Thomas, Dean Kootz.

today i was taught that poisson distribution is for events that occur randomly.
and ms ding asked, "you all know what random is right?"
well, now i shall confess that i was disturbed to find that the first word that came to my mind was
"glorijoy'
HAHA.
but remember children, do not deny someone of his/HER weirdness.
-wink

man, that sounds like a scary clown.

RANDOM thought.
heh i got weird siblings la. we all fight, scold and laugh at the brother in awesome magnitudes. yet everyone loves him most. what irony, then again i cant imagine if things were different. just the other day, i was just commenting to jane that i havent seen agnes in SO LONG, i'm ALMOST forgetting how she looks like. look again, ALMOST. i'm exaggerating, please. in case i get killed :p tem months is too long. i cant wait till you come back, (then scoldings about having a messy toilet will be split by two!) of course before that, TWO WEEKS of absolute freedom! which i bet will not be as good as it sounds. oh well.

2006-03-25T07:58:00.000+08:00

you know
i'm trying, but you're making it really hard.

everyone's been using the word jaded.
you are so jaded
why is your class so jaded?

i dont want to be jaded.

WE'RE REACHING THE MUGGING HIGHWAY.
i'll appreciate if you nudge me on.
and not make me wanna use the nearest exit.
it's okay if you dont encourage or anything, i'm fine with it.

i guess it just means,
if you have nothing good to say, dont say anything.
because words can hurt so much.
i'm trying to learn that too.

2006-03-23T21:07:00.000+08:00

gosh i want to plan road trips.
GO on road trips and playy.
but i understand fully well that this will not happen for bout 32476 years.
it's okay.
sixone, we go on cruise!
we'll kill the buffet, take over the mahjong room, and laugh the whole ship down.
maybe borrow the lifeboat and have a little row. joking laa

speaking of joking,
HM this aint my favourite word this week. and BET is officially the worst word of the week.
haha thankfully, the meaning of friend(s) hasnt changed a single bit. heh i had a fantastic time in crystal jade that day. cheerios (:

alright the only thing that keeps me from sleeping in the bus is the COMMONWEALTH games.
it's so good, especially diving. gosh it's beautiful la.
i saw this team, comprising of a lady and child. and the jump was PERFECT.
but that's according to me, the uneducated spectator.
actually i'm not really sure what the judges are looking for. when i was younger, i thought the more water you displace, the higher the points. well, now i know it's definitely not that. hm, how straight your body is when you enter the water? HMM. in any case, it's fun to watch.

i can't believe in just 8 months, i'll be kicked out of veejay. once again, thrown into the world to re-adapt and start over. it's scary and i'm not looking forward to it. we should give time a speeding ticket, and suspend its licence. of course, that's provided we can catch it :/

Your excellence
my inspiration