bleahhh;
the last hurrah
& Friday, October 13
goooodbye. i do not like it when i'm barely done with hello. i feel like kicking myself each time i remember how badly i wanted to get out of school last year. why was i so blind?
well in a way, it is good to end things with a bang! end it while the happy memories outweigh the bad ones a thousand times, end it loving it. (: heh farewell assembly today was awesome - wonderful MCs, insanely funny teachers, good videos. now when was the last time i've laughed so hard while saying goodbye?
i often question myself. why is everyone so loyal to their secondary schools, and i'm the rare few who love college so much. why is everyone half sad half glad to leave, and i feel like i'm being dragged out kicking and screaming. (in fact, i would like to propose having 3 years of college education - more time for syllabus & growing up. haha) easy answer. i've left so much behind, it's painful to return and pick up the scattered pieces. too much to forget. vj gave me an opportunity to start all over again. in a place where few know me, it was so liberating. i am esther, no past hanging around like an irritating shadow. & no one ever confuses me with anybody. i am not ashamed to have 'jane' as my unofficial second name, & never will be. just that after years of having sisters in the same school, it's nice to be alone (: Also, this incredibly tough year had made school a haven, a place of retreat & certainty. not the usual feeling people have, but that's the way it is.
it hasnt been smooth sailing naturally. i just read the letter mr chad asked us to write to ourselves last year. in it, i mentioned about PW, and how i'm worn out writing the written report. i wrote down my goals and dreams. i told myself to love. i started with dear esther. i ended with your nemesis, esther. haha at least some things are the same, i havent stopped considering myself as my enemy. it was painful to read the letter, knowing that i've fallen short of my standards. knowing that circumstances have changed so much. if i had known what today would be like then, i would have done many things different. we cant return, no.
johnny you should have a ring.
i've said all my thank yous. i can leave now.
nil sine labore
goodbye
2:28 PM