& Thursday, October 19
i'm leaving.two years wouldnt have been right without you.
but i meant it when i said, the last hurrah!
no you're not the obsession. heh
your final task is to keep the archives safe.
i'll visit, mister b. (:
http://ohparaphernalia.wordpress.com
goodbye
12:51 AM
& Tuesday, October 17
the object of my obsession, has to change. if only it were the correct object, then perhaps i would give it enough attention, enough time, enough brain space. it would be top priority, at last at its rightful place.the object of my obsession is a wrong one. i like to think that i can control my mind to control me. i love to think that i am more than able to psyche myself into liking something and detesting something. yeah, the mind has fantastic ways of deceiving its owner. do i own my mind?
what shall i do with the slips of paper behind photographs. i refuse to forget. i cannot. come to think of it, no one is dragging me out kicking and screaming. i'm dragging myself out, and i'm kicking and screaming.
enough. enough now. enough of chasing cars. enough of wondering and asking so many what ifs. how to give up something that's been driving you on? how in the world did i allow it to climb to the top of my brain/heart/soul/whatever? enough esther. enough.
i feel like a author. needing to finish a book yet repeatedly adding in new ideas new plots, because to end now is akin to ripping a pound of flesh from the body. i feel like a runner. not willing to end the race even when every ounce of energy has been spent, because to end would remove the possibility of overtaking that guy in front. an ending brings the probabilty of the arrival of something better to a big fat zero. (strange we think so much, yet never consider the probability of the guy behind overtaking us. we never wonder if too many plots would make the book incoherent)
enough. i can survive cold sores and disgusting weird stomachaches. i can survive this. time for the final chapter, the last lap. we stop while everything's good. the last hurrah!
goodbye
5:34 PM
& Monday, October 16
fear that grips the neck, strangle. while we're choking, we realise how meaningless it is to willingly let ourselves be sucked into the tornado of fear and helplessness. of all people, i should be least afraid, least weary, least angsty. i have all the help i need. cmon i have friends in high places! perhaps we're all secretly afraid that His plan is not ours. or perhaps, we dont feel like we're on the right side of eternity. what friends?how can a relationship ever be built on guilt?
' if i perish, i perish. '
i'm quoting. sometimes i wonder if she said it because she was willing to sacrifice, or because she trusted. Abraham, was he reallyreally willing to sacrifice, or was his faith so strong.
probably both. oh we're lacking so much.
goodbye
7:55 PM
& Saturday, October 14
It's like you're stuck in second gear
and it hasnt been your day, your week,
your month, or even your year
but
I'll Be There For You
when the rain starts to pour
i'll be there for you!
like i've been there before
I'll Be There For You
Cos You're There For Me Too.
Even at my worst, i'm best with you. (:
okay the photos aint great at all, because we look scruffy and sweaty - lol that's normal. but we'll make do. heh (:
goodbye
7:32 AM
& Friday, October 13
goooodbye. i do not like it when i'm barely done with hello. i feel like kicking myself each time i remember how badly i wanted to get out of school last year. why was i so blind?well in a way, it is good to end things with a bang! end it while the happy memories outweigh the bad ones a thousand times, end it loving it. (: heh farewell assembly today was awesome - wonderful MCs, insanely funny teachers, good videos. now when was the last time i've laughed so hard while saying goodbye?
i often question myself. why is everyone so loyal to their secondary schools, and i'm the rare few who love college so much. why is everyone half sad half glad to leave, and i feel like i'm being dragged out kicking and screaming. (in fact, i would like to propose having 3 years of college education - more time for syllabus & growing up. haha) easy answer. i've left so much behind, it's painful to return and pick up the scattered pieces. too much to forget. vj gave me an opportunity to start all over again. in a place where few know me, it was so liberating. i am esther, no past hanging around like an irritating shadow. & no one ever confuses me with anybody. i am not ashamed to have 'jane' as my unofficial second name, & never will be. just that after years of having sisters in the same school, it's nice to be alone (: Also, this incredibly tough year had made school a haven, a place of retreat & certainty. not the usual feeling people have, but that's the way it is.
it hasnt been smooth sailing naturally. i just read the letter mr chad asked us to write to ourselves last year. in it, i mentioned about PW, and how i'm worn out writing the written report. i wrote down my goals and dreams. i told myself to love. i started with dear esther. i ended with your nemesis, esther. haha at least some things are the same, i havent stopped considering myself as my enemy. it was painful to read the letter, knowing that i've fallen short of my standards. knowing that circumstances have changed so much. if i had known what today would be like then, i would have done many things different. we cant return, no.
johnny you should have a ring.
i've said all my thank yous. i can leave now.
nil sine labore
goodbye
2:28 PM
& Wednesday, October 11
you and me could never hidetoo busy walking out of stride
take 1 2 3 and 4 or 5
people talking keeps us alive
a little part of a little conversation that i'll never forget.
bye
goodbye
10:56 PM
& Tuesday, October 10
i dont want to want to see you anymore
goodbye
12:18 AM
& Sunday, October 8
what a tough week& today was the first day i told someone i loved economics. wheeee. i mean i know i tried to make myself like it, but i had no idea that the 'trying' paid off. gosh i dont even know when i started to love it. like is different from love. hurhur maybe it was a slip of the tongue. but just to make life a little easier, i shall take it that i love it. love it alot.
it will be an awesome week.
last week in school, it gotta be good.
i need it to be.
goodbye
8:53 PM
& Saturday, October 7
the amount of time it takes for me to get from the bus stop near mount vernon to vj's gate is exactly2 God of the moon and the stars
2 Top of the World
7 Accidentally in Love
OR
5 small time articles
1/2 a big time article
sleep
sleep walking
OR
40 mins in the morning
30 mins in the afternoon
847823 mins when i'm late
darn i'll miss it.
goodbye
8:39 AM
& Wednesday, October 4
- it seems to take optimism bordering on willful ignorance to feel positive about ..& we are not only talking about global warming here
goodbye
4:49 PM
& Monday, October 2
last saturday was my debut ride on the northsouth mass rapid transit line with my father. in all my eighteen years, in all his fifty years; not once. we were at somerset, catching the train to toa payoh. before the train came, he spoke to my mum. there was nothing to do, so i stared at his face & asked questions in my head. do i love him? how well do i know him? i thought of photos of the past, time flies. dear papa, we're getting old.the train came too soon. i told him about my camping trip. he told me about his army days. i showed him how to add value to his ezlink. he taught me physics - papa, when a satellite orbits round earth, how come gravitational force doesnt pull it towards earth? we nearly missed our stop. he noticed the yellow walls, and exclaimed. i pretended i realised it was our stop long ago.
last saturday was my debut ride on the bus with my father. a double decker bus. so we sat on top and pretended the whole level was ours. we talked about church.
it feels good, travelling with you without you behind the steering wheel. it feels good, that in times when i'm supposed to be the one taking care of you, you're still looking after me. (((:
goodbye
8:53 PM
& Sunday, October 1
cyclical hope