bleahhh;
the last hurrah
& Saturday, April 29
heaps of burning coal.
what's wrong with the Y?
goodbye
8:21 AM
& Wednesday, April 26
i dont understand why i cant do that stupid math assignment.
the nose decided to protest again. so i killed 293847 people's tissues in class, skipped econs lect, slept the way home, drank hot milo, slept till it was time to prepare dinner. SOOO to make up for the lost time, i decided to do more work after watching teevee. but math is so discouraging, i need another break.
current hottest question in class.
"why are we still doing econs?!"
i think we are all insane. all the people who say that econs only make sense after we've learnt everything better be right, because i've been having too many thoughts like 'maybe i should have done chemistry instead'. heh then i would tell myself 'if you had taken chemistry, you would miss out on being in such a great class'. and then i would think 'maybe the class i would have gone to had i taken chem is better than s61'. AND then i would conclude that that is impossible, so better to do econs la. haha, oh the lengths we go to convince ourselves.
okay, i've thought of a way to approach the math question.
haha it's gonna be a great week!
TMS everyone, dont forget (((:
goodbye
12:11 AM
& Saturday, April 22
what is truth?
how can we ever prove that a certain theory is true? well we experiment and test and do all sorts of insane stuff. and yet, most of the time, none are conclusive. it's interesting, really, that most theories are accepted on the basis of being "beyond a reasonable doubt". otherwise, how can scientists continue to research and present new ideas to refute the old. but, just one correct experiment which goes against the "truth" is enough to bring it down. it's overwhelming, one test to certain a lie, yet nothing is enough to certain a truth.
but i know truth, You are truth. and it doesnt matter if the speed of light as we know it is false. it doesnt matter if lettuce are bad for health or if earth does not circle the sun. i believe You are the truth. and someday i can ask all the questions, and know truth without experimenting or testing (:
what is a scientist's biggest dream? well someone said that it is to find a equation or a law that explains everything in our universe. i didnt hear it from a scientist, but it makes sense. if i were a scientist, i would want to do that too! along with the nobel prize and enough money to buy singapore, of course. is that possible? perhaps a fanstastic equation with 9845 constants and 295 variables. maybe just a variable multiplied to the speed of light. how about G O D? i dont need no equation. dont tell me science is totally unrelated to religion. for what proof do we have that science is correct, how many assumptions do we have for each theory. no, we need so much faith for science and religion alike.
i always thought we could count on mathematics. everything is about math, it never fails. humans do. "human interaction is the hardest thing", someone said that, and i totally agree. yet no matter how hard i try, i cant do without, cannot make it la. just a little argument could turn the entire day around. we rely on relationships as much as we rely on math, perhaps even more. and it was the little not-so-hard-but-significant-enough-for-me-to-be-affected lesson that taught me what i always knew, but refused to admit. so thank You so much for the blessing of friendship and family. which brings me to the point that it is my
ERJIE's BIRTHDAY today! wow i've known her for like 17yrs11months. cant imagine what it would be like without her. i mean, this is a regular convo.
esther : you know what happened in school today? ...
jane : oh i must tell you what happened in PL today...
esther : this teacher scolded ...
jane : this student told ...
esther : i slept in GP ...
jane : TODAY STAFF ROOM NO AIRCON.
esther : listen to me!
jane : let me finish first la!!
the art of incoherence, and wonderful conversations (if you call that a conversation). please note that you can only do this with someone closely related to you by blood, for obvious reasons :D
AND that basically sums up the entire week. the conflicts and resolving those conflicts. the pain resurfacing, and quieting. and floorball (: and now, back to math.
goodbye
12:00 AM
& Wednesday, April 19
so far behind.
how to catch up
goodbye
10:01 PM
& Monday, April 17
maybe i am.
it's times like this, when i can do nothing but trust. good for me then, i really need this lesson. heh permit me to use dachangjin. it's a good show filled with too many bad people, too few good ones. and with all the hardship and evil schemes against her, sometimes it is hard to watch. yet i continue because i know the ending, and i know that everything will turn out well in the end. she will be honoured, find love, enemies will die blahblahblah. whatever she goes through is temporary and she's learning everyday.
sounds familiar?
we know the future, so let's not fret.
abraham didnt know God would prepare a ram in place of his son.
joseph didnt know God would use him to save the people from famine when he was sold, when he was thrown into prison.
moses didnt know God planned for him to lead His people out of egypt when he was banished to the desert.
how many more examples do we need?
esther, stand firm! for we know what God has in store for us, if we remain faithful. please, teach me how to live.
goodbye
1:05 AM
& Friday, April 14
finally, i kicked myself out of bed to go for a run. i love it, especially when you see seasoned runners who give you inspiration. and couples running with such mo qi you could almost hear "left left left right". now that's sweet (: beautiful sky, cool weather, and the canal that never stinks. i can't ask for more.
finally, we found sashes for our concert attire! pretty cheap, but we're gonna bargain somemore, duh! heh i had a great time hanging out with yingying and zhini today. especially bumming around with yingying at kino, having senseless convos, stupid comebacks and serious comments. haha it never fails to amaze me how we're so different. man, we're so gonna kill each other in japan :D so exciting!
finally, after a whole week of memorising the qing ming poem, we went to the cemetry to remember my great-grandparents and great-grantauntie. i enjoy it, even though i havent met most of them. a good tradition, which i'm sure the family intends to continue (: i found out that bible verses in mandarin are especially meaningful. maybe it's because i've been in church all my life, so i've heard many verses, it's nice to have a new perspective.
finally, PW results are out, TWO. of course a 1 would be nice, but i'm not disappointed or devastated. i'm just glad that it's over. (: but i was disappointed by your response, even your words. it's sad that you feel that way, and frankly i expected better from you. much better.
so it was an awesome week, and a good weekend. plenty of needed reminders, and doing important stuff. and by that, i dont mean homework. sheesh i really have to learn time management. cmon esther! oh yes, i'm NOT stressed. haha when i pull a black face or scrunch up my eyebrows, i'm just sleepy. thanks for all the concern though. i'm trying to smile more now! cheerios :))
goodbye
9:38 PM
& Wednesday, April 12
it's a random clashing of thoughts. like photons crashing onto metal and emitting electrons. maybe if i can find the stopping potential, i might be able to sleep and not dream, for once. wait, i have comprehension to complete before sleep. ahh shucks, i'll do it tomorrow.
what happens when we give so much of ourselves, and lose? can we really say 'oh i've given my best therefore i have no regrets.' i cant stomach that, because i dont know what 'best' is.
what happens when we give so much of ourselves, and win? can we really say 'i did it not by my strength, but by His'. i have no answer.
so now, every thought seems to revolve around
alpha and omega man.
sherlock holmes and Jesus.
the satisfaction, and CMIs.
the scary lack of ability to teach.
the lesson on judging and loving.
propriety and the inappropriate
righteousness and sin.
television and books.
cross and condemnation.
reasons and motives.
evil and good.
self-glorifying and self-degrading.
sleep.
goodbye
11:44 PM
&
God of the moon and the stars
God of the near and far
God of the fragile hearts we are, i come to You
God of the history
God of the future that will be
What will You make of me, i come to You
God of our joy and grief
God of the lawyer and the thief
God of our faith and unbelief, I come to you
God of the wounds we bear
God of the deepest dreams we share
God of our unspoken prayer, I come to you
God of a world that's lost
God of a lonely cross
God who has come to us, i come to You.
cheerios jie. thank you so much (((:
goodbye
12:23 AM
& Sunday, April 9
teach me to guard my secret time
lock it, run five bolts across the steel door.
that nothing would come between.
hm i just realised that it's april, and TMS is round the corner.
i always get this feeling that you're hearing all about my problems and struggles, but i dont ask you for yours. nevertheless, thanks for listening today. i will stop saying 'i guess'. i guess (haha) it's a habit, but i will change it. say 'i will' more often. cheers (:
it's overwhelming, to think about all the bad habits i have to get rid off. and the massive distance i have to walk away from my comfort zone. but that's no excuse! step by step, we're getting closer.
and closer.
and closer (:
it's gonna be an awesome week!
goodbye
10:59 PM
&
sometimes it seems as if He dying on the cross to show me His love, is not enough for Him.
the cross is enough, it is more than enough.
You blow my mind with Your extravagance and unfailing love.
how sinful, how unbecoming of me, to belittle Your character by judging You against man to the point that i sometimes conclude that You can't love me or anyone in this world.
You love unconditionally.
gosh we dont even need reasons to hate people, yet our standards to love others are awfully high.
i'm sorry.
the cross.
intersection between love and just
not a compromise, not plan B.
the horizontal, Your love extends forever, it never ends.
the vertical, Your righteousness and integrity never bends.
grace and suffering meet.
because of three nails and an empty grave.
in heaven, right beside You is my seat.
i'm not worthy.
but it's neither a salary nor wage.
they call it grace.
by the blood of the Lamb. (:
so amazing, aint it.
goodbye
12:55 AM
& Saturday, April 8
i shouldnt have gone to school yesterday. it was just economics lecture and GP. ok GP was not that bad, we watched a documentary! so we watched 'the coporation' which is pretty boring unless you listen to every word spoken. then you'll get involved and start feeling what the producers want to evoke in the audience.
MANKIND HAS NO FUTURE.
because we are stupid selfish creatures that walk on two legs, thinking we have power over the planet (which we do not have) and taking whatever we want from it.
question, do You look down from Your heavenly throne above, and weep?
of course, i'm supposed to take the documentary with a pinch of salt. after all it talked about advertising and the manipulation of the consumer's minds. surely this is another show to influence people. gosh sometimes i dont know what to think. with so many differing views, so many opinions and ideas, who is correct? but that is a stupid question to ask, because i'm supposed to know the answer. in fact, i know the correct answer, just not worthy to say it.
in our secret hearts, we are all thankful that we're living in this age, living now. because we cant imagine how the generations after us would suffer the effects of our actions. perhaps we dont dare imagine, maybe we have no idea what legacy we're leaving behind. this is scary stuff, and i want to do something about it.
i just dont know how.
oh do you know the beautiful pictures you see in environmental magazines. no i dont deny their beauty. i really want to believe that's what the world is about; lovely oceans, beautiful forests, and of course clean natural habitats for the wild to live as they're supposed to. BUT that's hardly true, isnt it.
we just dont see the pictures.
gosh, how disgusting can we get.
goodbye
8:32 AM
& Tuesday, April 4
it shouldnt come to this.
it shouldnt be reduced to this state when i'm constantly asking myself
'what's the point'
'why do i even care, when others dont'
can't let it happen. NO.
i'll bother, even if you dont.
so now we ask ourselves
is bothering enough?
it comes back to the HEART
always the heart.
i cant understand it.
and sometimes i'm afraid of what i dont see in mine.
man, i'm already ashamed of the flaws.
i can't imagine the unknown.
no right to comment, i know.
i dont want to want a hero's welcome.
i dont want to want to give just to receive a prize.
i love school though, that i'm sure (:
gosh music from musicals are the best, especially when the orchestra plays. whoaa. sigh if i were to tell you my dream or goal in life whatever you call it, you'd laugh. it's okay, better to have a dream than have none (: similarly, better to have done a third of a GP essay (if you think you're difficult, tell me and i'll show you the paper to prove to you that it beat you), than to have a blank sheet. so off to bed to dream of weird dreams like your form teacher giving you a HORRIBLE testimonial. sheesh i had that dream on sunday afternoon, which totally SCARED ME OUT OF MY WITS. fine, i was supposed to be revising for spa but i forgot all about it. serves me right then. heh.
goodbye
11:36 PM