bleahhh;

& Saturday, September 30

i deliberately placed the script that way. i dont care about the number in front. i wanted you to read what was written. perhaps if you read someone else's comment, you would stop worrying that i dont care about my future, you would stop thinking that my priorities are that misplaced. i want to tell you that i'm concerned too. i do want to make you proud. it is probably naive of me to think that just one comment would alter whatever impression you've made of me over the past year. & we havent considered the possibility that that person did not really mean it. i just want you on my side. a little trust, & understanding that i learn through my mistakes. please dont forget, i'm eighteen. older than you think, younger than you think.

i want to be on your side too.

goodbye
8:52 AM

& Friday, September 29

i missed the deadline i was supposed to meet. i do not fancy the thought of going to a teacher to discuss about how to make things better, because there is no way out. & frankly, i have not really thought through anything carefully. thinking through is one thing, asking my parents is another, asking You yet another.

even though it is rather fun to look through options, & what a great excuse to park myself in front of the computer, yet the thought of making such a major decision is rather daunting. oh how i long to have an opportunity to sit down at subway with You, and ask questions. how i wish that the voices i think i hear in my head, is not from my head. i hope i'm walking tall, walking the tough straight & narrow path. i know the answers to frequently asked questions. what about questions never asked?

aiyah now do what ah? i do this, you happy or not?

today was awesome. results aint everything, yet if i dont beat myself up and mull over it for a little while, i'm letting myself go too easily. next, we move on. the airport is always thrilling. sure we've had our share of sadness at that place. but today accumulated many laughs. laughter is not enough, but i aint complaining. attempting to mug, betting on amount of work to accomplish this weekend (bye sleep), teaching & learning gives one a sense of camarderie. comradeship. the we're all in this together. absolutely lovely. so i managed to secure myself a no-money bet. ((:

ahh dinner brought back memories of japan. plucking us away from reality; for a few precious moments, we're allowed to laugh freely and place trouble at the sidelines. that's not to say we are exceedingly troubled, or intensely stressed. just that trouble is always good to be forgotten, whatever the magnitude. saying goodbye was fun! all the best roshni (: i'm not going to lie and say that i will miss you loads, because i hardly know you nor you know me. the truth is, i'm really happy that you're going because the experience would be enriching and life-changing. plus singapore could really use a talent like you! mrt-ing was the highlight of the trip home! haha zhini never fails to be hilarious (: her sense of joy and contentment with life always leaves me ashamed and inspired. paul was a surprise. for once, the clever one made a mistake, assuring me we're on the right train, till it started to move towards changi and we went uh-oh. i'm stupid too, following blindly. oh what a glorious mistake! had an awesome time talking and catching up. pity everything will end in two months. but one cant complain when events meant for the good-memory bank appear without me asking. eh paul, when you're trying to conquer Mars. dont forget you had one person who geninuely believed in you when you were just joking. imagine the support when you're really working towards it. if only you knew how many impressions i'd made of you when i knew your name. perhaps one day you'll find out how honourable it is ((:

all our names are weighed down with the hopes our parents have. perhaps they didnt think too much into it, but i'm glad things happened the way they did. love cleanliness & faithfaithfaith. yes, mordecai's courage.

did plenty of telling (which is so different from talking). thank you

goodbye
11:59 PM

& Thursday, September 28

i'm dont want to forget. even though, it would be better for the memory if i write every single detail down in prose. hurry write a whole essay of it while it's still clear in the head. nah. no time, & the memory is more special when it's recalled as it is and not fitted into words. words are not enough.

i shall be content with little triggers. read 'pounding watermelons', and i'll remember wanting beating the poor green fruit because she'd seen her mum do it, except that she's not really sure what to look out/hear for. read 'heart murmur', and i'll laugh (: i do not know what people mean when they write trigger happy. but if i were allowed to use it as i define it, then triggerhappy! no other word in my vocabulary comes close.

the little triggers written, stored somewhere else.

i had insane fun, which means i want to do it again. oh camping! true blue camping except for clean McDonald toilets and handphones (:

i didnt say goodbye properly. strangely i didnt feel so sad this time. perhaps it's the knowledge that it's the last time. maybe it's the thought that i'll see you soon. i am just so glad that He put us four together. even though we get on each other's nerves all the time, and the urge to box you all till yall cant speak comes once in a while. nonetheless, i would ask for nothing more, & nothing less. you better take care there, and come back in one piece. because we have so much to catch up on, so many years of irritatingeachother to go through. within our vein runs the same blood. <3

goodbye
8:04 PM

& Monday, September 25

rattled the shackles of your unconscious
and demanded that you join in

we thought the world was crooked & unbalanced. not realising, we're sideways. we blame the world for making it so darn tough to walk tall, walk the straight and narrow path. perhaps, if we had the guts to examine the bloodpump and be painfully honest about it. we just might live better.

goodbye
you're all i aspire to be (:

goodbye
11:16 PM

& Friday, September 22

math gave me a headache. i just realised that the passing mark is sixty percent! rather comforting actually. i'm not stupid, the standard's too high see. ahaha whatever. i'm just glad it's over. we are reduced to one paper. one quiz. couple of songs. one sharing. one goodbye. two tents and a million stars. mighty packed weekend, with little pockets of physics the size of electrons. (:

(i found the Great is Thy Faithfulness song muahahaha)

goodbye
9:21 PM

& Thursday, September 21

i should bring a stack of sudoku smuggled in the pocket. then three hours will pass quickly, and Teachers will be comforted because i know my number line. squeezing nine months worth of work into a day is insane. the fact that taking the paper would make an S out of me brings no comfort. one hovers between pressing on, and bu zi liang li. the thought that ding and ho might correct the script is making the hair on my neck stand.

edited.
at least now there's class bbq to look forward too. whee. seriously, the thought that we'll be camping (full house hahaha) under the stars is quite overwhelming. and i'm grinning like mad just thinking about it. nicole did not help at all. for once, her messages had an average of 5 exclamation points on them!! highly unusual. banish the bbqs-are-messy-business thought to infinity. praypraypray for good weather. no rain obviously. just the right amount of sun for the right amount of insolation. clouds in the day to block out the sun. no clouds in the night so we can see the stars. okay we're at the east coast, sunrise! we need two to make up for the one we missed in malaysia. i am asking for too much. ((: ahh cantwait cantwait.

goodbye
9:58 AM

& Wednesday, September 20

The Show is over.

i wanted better, dont we all?

'at least i tried'
'it's not as if i didnt try'
all the claims at trying is getting to me - makes me boil, makes the weariness that radiate from every single bone intensify. what is the difference between that and i give up. it is so annoying because i am guilty too.

was reading some report about the IMF in the newpaper. seems like some delegates are thinking that singapore is too perfect. no litter whatsoever. nice people, good service (on and on and on) when someone found two plastic bags on the street, wow singapore is a country too! outsiders do not see everything. in fact, what they see has been screened through millions of times, checked and re-checked. just so that a good impression is left. how different are we? so what if we can sprout verses. or stay principled in certain situations. so what if we seem modest, seem to have our priorities right. perhaps the thought that we're better than most is fuelling the collection of rot within our ribcages. outsiders dont look into the mind, they only hear words. outsiders dont look into the heart, they only see actions. just like outsiders dont go to the canal to see the periodic accumulation of rubbish. disgusting rubbish.

goodbye
9:01 PM

&

home alone

& its too cold

everything is going to conclude in five days. building up to a climax this weekend, going downhill on monday. i have the next two days to mull about it. then getting mindheartattacks for the rest of the week. for once, a conclusion begets a beginning (let me catch my breath). conflicting desires, fear and excitement mashed together. no idea which is better - status quo or the unknown.

i need to get down to math. even though i'm already counting down the minutes to 8pm for The Show's last episode (& this kind of math is good enough to blow your head). i watched the second last episode twice; am extremely conscious of the obsession. i need to get down to math. why get down? sounds as if we're so high up, too good for anything.

i feel like biking down to see you now

in five days. eyebags would have disappeared. i would have watched The Show's last episode 3 times. tms would be done. i would have spoken in front of many people, i do not know what to say. actually something came to mind, but decided it is not appropriate. the thought knocked again, i admonished and shooed it away. i would have led some songs. i would have biked down to see you. prelims would finally conclude. books returned. then waving goodbye through the glass. knowing you do not fancy it but unwilling to leave till you do. back home to find just one toothbrush in the cup.

goodbye
1:00 PM

& Monday, September 18

twelve hours from now,
i'll be in bus 135 fighting sleep.

sixteen hours from now,
i'll be at the desk,
begging blood to return to
the hand
the brain

nineteen hours from now,
dead to the world
dead to the world
dead to the world

yayness

goodbye
7:01 PM

& Sunday, September 17

i needed a hug.
or anything that would bring me away from the stack of papers and the mounting dread that i wont be able to make it. it seems like every circumstance has standards that are sky high. not that that's bad, standards make us better. strive. yes one mountain taller than another. (lost in translation, which just happens to be another disappointment.) but there will always be one particular one, the peak of the peaks. that's why we strive. because if we work hard enough, we will be that Peak. we set up our little camp on it, then decide we dont want to rent the space. we want to own it. we do all we can to stay there. cos reaching it aint enough. the next benchmark -who stays the longest. next, sustained achievement award. perhaps, long service award. time-to-go-down award. death, and this peak is inherited. (no wonder inheritance tax exists)

more often than not, we die trying to reach base camp.

this post is so off. i wanted to write about letters. letters and mountains have nothing in common. right. i needed a hug. or an encouragement bun. so i set out to find tng's hang in there card with the cute stickman. seems to be having a nice time hanging, i mean it's been two years and it still makes hanging so disgustingly easy. then again, stickman's mg is close to zero.

in the process i found letters. chances are - gifts land up next to the bed behind piles of books or in the garbage bag (after a few years la) but letters end up in the little shoebox on the top shelf. i have letters from before the PSLE. candice ending it with Gotta Study Real Hard? marianne from greenhouse, i have fond memories, with or without the card.

i have letters from lower sec. one cringes at the memory, loud seems to be the only trait i'm remembered by. i like to think that i have changed and am only loud when the evil monster comes out during games. because you must be loud, especially if you have to quack for someone. hurhur. what i like to think is usually miles from reality.

i like this particular one.
i said i'll reply, didnt i? ... wherever you are. love kristie. 16/2/04
it must have been after friendship day. i found out my keeping-in-touch disorder. guess i tried to do something about it then. but relationships require constant effort. i'm the worst procrastinator. it is incredibly sad, i miss her.

well some things stay constant. just before the Ordinary Levels. hello!! haha i am so cool ar. writing you a ... another three weeks will kill us. love glori '04.
every christmas, dear esther and family .... love lijun '0*. usually i put in on the grid-like thing at the living room. because it's for the family. but lately her messages has been peppered with meanie, you're so evil. i'm ashamed, so it goes into the shoebox immediately. yes it is time to remove the devil's horns and put on a halo.

i like samantha's notes, they make me laugh. bev's always sweet. winnie's lame. my angel and mortal from last year (i failed as an angel this year, my mortal failed me). evangeline always encourages. crystal's filled with smiles, most of the time i'm not just reading it, but imagining in my mind how she'll say it. mingdao's weighed down with inspirations, no i should say lifted. dear yvonne who reminds that He is love! no one should forget the love letter sealed with blood.

hugged (:

in the mean (hahah) time, we're hanging.
hello geography. woohoo!

goodbye
12:25 AM

& Friday, September 15

forbidden

transparent fences
thin as string
solid as diamond
silently scoffing
i can see it in your eyes

clenchh :(

banging on the keys
blackandwhites
because i cant say;
bye

goodbye
3:22 PM

& Thursday, September 14

esther
shut
up
and
listen

goodbye
8:22 PM

&

i keep reminding myself not to think in negatives.

because of how the subconscious mind works. at least how i think my subconscious mind works. dont think of an elephant with 5 legs and green pokka dots! okay perhaps you have great control over your mind. but the image immediately pops into my head. ugh.

so 'dont stress' will not do for me. because i think of dont and stress as separate words. and somehow the dont gets lost along the way. for now, and till forever; it will be relaxx. it's hard to switch, many years of negatives make them a habit. think positive. positive positive positive. if i repeat it often, it'll be a habit too.

when the brain is wrung dry, no energy to think of positives. we're reduced to i'm good i'm good i'm good. not the i-will-ace-it i'm good. but rather the i-will-be-okay i'm good that all this will pass, and things will be fine in the end, despite the short run outcome.

then the fire fades away
most of everyday
it's full of tired excuses
it's too hard to say
i wish it were simple
but we give up easily
you're close enough to see that
you're the other side of the world to me

goodbye
9:10 AM

& Monday, September 11

'i'm in a new york state of mind'

five years

for once, time seems to be moving rather slowly (: usually the Einstein's relativity law mocks and taunts, during times such as these. when we're literally sprinting against time and the closure of our eyelids. this time (haha) is different, though not because i'm more prepared or focused than before. just the way it is, and i aint complaining. the headaches still come, but i've devised some ways to make them go away. walk around/drink water/go frustrate the piano/read agatha christie. wheeee

math tested all the topics i discriminated against because they are boring and stupid, and were tested only once in the 90s and 00s. cmon most questions are older than me! yet murphy's law taunts and mocks. they appear, and we go. ohh crappp. not that it really bothered me this time, all i could think of the moment i stepped out of the hall was. toiletoiletoilet. and the cool hospital show. (:

alright back to global warming. am looking forward to 'the inconvenient truth' in cinemas. we hardly see such an apt title!

goodbye
11:48 PM

& Saturday, September 9

quite tired
of failing promises made by me
to me
i have to finish litho tonight
i have to finish litho tonight
i have to

'it is very difficult to know people and i dont think one can ever know any but one's own countrymen. for men and women are not only themselves; they are also the region in which they were born, the city apartment or the farm in which they learnt to walk, the games they played as children, the old wives' tales they overheard, the food they ate, the schools they attended, the sports they followed, the poets they read, and the God they believed in. It is all these things that have made them what they are, and these are the things that you cant come to know by hearsay, you can only know them if you have lived with them. you can only know them if you are them.'
W Somerset Maugham

talented writer, i've only read 2 pages. the kind that seems to give the assurance that he's telling you like it is, and not extra sweet, or extra harsh. the kind who is funny, and makes sense. i've only read 2 pages. in fact, i've started on every single book i borrowed. knowing full well i cant finish them. stupid? yes

he was writing about a friend. american. he's english, writing this to say that writing this book aint easy, because he hardly knows that guy (he doesnt know all those stuff.) i dont know people. perhaps he knew his countrymen, i'm not sure. but for me, i dont even know the people i'm living with. the definition of 'know' is ambiguous. sure i know where they're going. i know their most hated food. but really knowing? perhaps it's better left that way, sure misunderstandings will arise. still, better to withhold. it's a self preservation thing.

'come on, talk to me. i'm a good listener'
'i'm no story-teller'

You know everything. scares me to death sometimes. yet since there is no point hiding anything. might as well talk about it. and ask.

goodbye
12:40 AM

& Thursday, September 7

you know how it is when you get to the last chapter. and the author ends this way: this is not the end, just a new beginning. it could be a book of two lovers coming together after a million obstacles, life anew. it could be a story of a man in jail, ending with his release, new life. a new beginning always seems to mean, a happy ending (if this ending is real and not just another new beginning)

it is encouraging to some people, i think. one guy said that to oprah, and she said wow that's comforting. is it really? frankly when i come to the end of my race, i would like to stop and go drink some water thank you very much. it's like you're gasping for breath few steps from the finishing line, and the official comes to you cmon go line up, hurry! hellooo it aint overr. who cares if you won or lost. just go put your face near the red track white line, the pistol will set you free. again.

perhaps, we can look at it differently. this 'end' is just a reststop, recharge they say. like a pitstop in le grand prix. then you go on. go on. go on. goon. gooon. gone

how draining.

i wish for an ending, no comma. one big dot there, that's that. at least i wouldnt have to worry about my attitude, wouldnt have to worry about giving up halfway because that sucks. wouldnt have worry which side of eternity i would be on, that is scary bigtime.

no escaping to oblivion. we just go on.

i wonder if you told yourself i've had enough of this wretched race, when we drove you out of the temple. when we hurled insults at you. when we made you carry a cross. when we drove nails in. when we spat. when some of us cried, did you want to say why the tears, this aint the end, it's the beginning. cross my heart. it gets even better. someone told me that i could give all my cares and worries to him. someone said that i could exchange my burden for his, because his aint heavy.

you think oblivion's great? wait till you see what i have in store for you.

goodbye
9:18 PM

& Tuesday, September 5

suddenly
so
scared

sometimes it feels like the world is in front of me, waiting for me to conquer. i'm young, endless opportunities, lofty dreams. the world is mine to take.
sometimes it feels like the world is behind me. nothing about this world can affect me. all the expectations dont mean a thing. i'm not of the world, why would i want to take it.

sometimes, the world seems filled with happiness and joy. fulfillment; warms the heart. all things good
sometimes, the world seems filled with sorrow and pain. disappointment; tears the heart. all things bad

sometimes the world is too huge. i'm too small, insignificant. cannot do anything. born study work die. the only difference is one extra niche in the cemetry.

most of the time, the world is not enough.

goodbye
4:06 PM

&

watched singapore dreaming with the siblings. borrowed four books from the new bishan library. due date: last day of prelims. which happens to be the day agnes flies away. at least it's the last time she's gone. (and if i earn enough, i could fly there to be a leech!)

25th september 2006.
0555: wake up; panic
0628: panic on the bus, try to study but end up sleeping
0720: get to class table, think 'ahh heck la'
0800: physics, insanely difficult physics
1100: YAY
1105: bus 55 to bishan. try to read but end up sleeping
1210: renew books. 2 bucks
1245: bus 13 back home. try to read but end up stoning
1300: number seven
1305: comtemplate shower; decision unknown.

1) collapse on couch in living room
2) collapse on couch in study room
3) shower; collapse on bed
4) shower; read, collapse wherever i'm reading
5) tv tv tv
5C1

1733: help cook, unless i'm dead to the world & siblings are nice
1818: eat
1900: see sister pack or tv or book
2234: airport; goodbye

we just dreamdreamdream.
hope for something better,
not realising we have too much already.
overload breeds discontent.
booo

goodbye
9:06 AM

& Sunday, September 3

because silence is the answer to my whys

because there's no point touching it, pretending everything's ok

because it magnifies the distance between us

because you're twodee. i'm three

because we'll grow old, and you'll stay seventeen and a half

because i cannot hear your voice

because i dont know how to pray

with or without.

because i think about the many six-months to come.

goodbye
12:44 AM

& Friday, September 1

happy teachers' day. none of you read this, which is perfect. i wanted to prepare something. studying tv eating sleeping is the life, so by the time i decided to get down to it, it was 6 hours to assembly.

i wonder if you guys cringe when you read the messages we write. are you appalled by the insincerity(it really isnt actually)? we drive you up the wall everyday, yet suddenly sing to a different tune on thirtyfirst august.

i wonder if you keep the little letters in boxes, and years from now when you're moaning over your depleting CPF, do you look at them? 'ahh i remember this one, irritating and noisy'

i wonder if you look at your friend's desk beside yours, looking to see if you had received more cards, bigger (oh they are so embarrassing) presents.

thank yall. sometimes i get the impression that school teachers are so detached, so cold-blooded. but that's wrong. four overseas trips is sufficient evidence (i am so blessed). this year brought along with it many opportunities to see you guys in better light. i've seen you in jeans, seen you in spectacles. heard the story of your mum scolding you from eating too many papayas. heard the story of your dislodged jaw. sat next to you in the spiderman ride, you make weird noises. i've seen you cry. i've seen you both giving money, and much more than that. you told us your love story. someone remind me, how long did we wait for you two to arrive? you got lost, and for once you needed students to show you the way. in times of sorrow, we were together. in times of anger, you yelled and we listened. in times of laughter, we teased and you listened. we laughed together. we rush to your class, we do not like to be scolded. we stroll to your class, you are later than us. everytime we realise you are lecturing, we sit right in front to show our love and support. when you are lecturing, we dare not not go. when you are lecturing, we talk about skipping it the entire day, but go for it anyway. you think i am rude, but secretly i think you're pretty good, just that much satisfaction is derived from arguing. you are funny. you are boring. sir i go for spaper lecture because of you. i remember your compliments, i remember your insults. i remember your bad english. you asked us to put our handphones in the microwave oven. i think you are the best teacher ever. teachers are humans too.

i have to go study, yes good grades are not enough. character; attitude; love. i hope to do you proud.

the last hurrah

& Saturday, September 30

goodbye 8:52 AM

& Friday, September 29

goodbye 11:59 PM

& Thursday, September 28

goodbye 8:04 PM

& Monday, September 25

goodbye 11:16 PM

& Friday, September 22

goodbye 9:21 PM

& Thursday, September 21

goodbye 9:58 AM

& Wednesday, September 20

goodbye 9:01 PM

&

goodbye 1:00 PM

& Monday, September 18

goodbye 7:01 PM

& Sunday, September 17

goodbye 12:25 AM

& Friday, September 15

goodbye 3:22 PM

& Thursday, September 14

goodbye 8:22 PM

&

goodbye 9:10 AM

& Monday, September 11

goodbye 11:48 PM

& Saturday, September 9

goodbye 12:40 AM

& Thursday, September 7

goodbye 9:18 PM

& Tuesday, September 5

goodbye 4:06 PM

&

goodbye 9:06 AM