bleahhh;
the last hurrah
& Friday, June 30
i'm sleepy, but i need to write.
it's nice being alone in the room, but i like the whole house to be filled. at least things can be done without scrutiny. and help, if i ever need it, is just a word away. dont even need to shout.
yesterday was pretty horrible. just me and my brother. a perfect rehearsal of what is to come. sheesh i thought it would be quite fun, really. o well i just realised it's an awesome responsibility. plus the amount of self-control needed to not eat sleep live within a metre radius around the tv is enormous. no better way to learn to take care of myself and someone else, figure out the washing machine. and relive japan - sleep on mattress
why write? i have no idea
my head hurts. so maybe physical laws still count in the human world. pressure release (geographyy) can cause curvillinear cracks. i just need to get everything back together, do the right thing. quit worrying. get my choleric back because it's flying away and i cant see it within me. maybe it never was, just impressions untrue. am planning to plan. planning to start. starting tomorrow, or today for that matter. selfsufficency is the way to go.
now i know why i write.
the time article made me want to go to Eton. only it's for guys :(
one cannot be selfsufficient if the mind is easily influenced
and the flesh easily tempted.
goodbye
12:04 AM
& Wednesday, June 28
just physics. cmon, just 24 hours and 45 minutes left. to bliss and sleep and tv and books and the beautiful path beside the non-stinky canal in bishan. C'MON
i'm a horrible friend. totally
:((
goodbye
4:15 PM
& Tuesday, June 27
blocks have started. i cant believe i'm half done already. left with 10 minutes of break before i go shower, then become a tourist and bury myself in the desert to curse the weather. geography aint easy, especially with topics like climate and deserts.
okay math was a killer, it murdered brain cells and stabbed shoulders. no one should ever take three hour papers in lecture theatres. and econs totally shocked us off our seats. i mean who ever sets investment questions? GP was alright thankfully, because we had geography questions :)) environmental degradation, YES! comprehension was interesting, and summary was stupid because we have nothing to write. we were practically adding in extra words just to hit the word limit. not that i did, i was still 10 words off, and that's after accounting for words that could be there but arent. Explain the irony in the above passage. (2m)
SATs scores are up. wanted to wait till blocks are done before checking, but couldnt resist. i cant write for nuts. i only had 2 marks for the essay! and that's out of 6. gosh it was poorly organized, demonstrates serious problems with coherence and blahblahblah - according to the report. haha i was kinda expecting it, but it's quite sad really. try againnn.
i've been writing weird stuff these few days. sentences i dont normally write under exam conditions, even word usage has been going haywire. it's actually quite liberating and fun to do it. writing what i'm thinking word for word instead of trying to phrase it properly to sound clever. at least if the marker says i sound stupid, it wont be so bad because i didnt even try to sound clever. okay that doesnt make much sense. haha this is the last exam i'm allowed to screw up. so i'm gonna throw exam etiquette into the trash. and have a little more fun for once.
my old sister sent me a 'dont stress and i'll see you soon' sms.
so happy ((:
goodbye
2:12 PM
& Thursday, June 22
i'm reading peterpan. the real classic, because it says on the back complete and unabridged. real classics selling for four dollars seventythree cents. niceee.
bet i can finish peterpan and sherlock holmes. not too sure about charles dicken's hard times. maybe i'll just finish it for the sake of finishing it. pretend i understand it, and go back to get more. for all you know, this can't-understand-but-still-trying thing will pay off, and i'll enjoy Crime and Punishment. in thirty years
The man who wrote PeterPan. something Barrie. well, he puzzles me. and i bet he would be puzzled about how his creation turned out. peter is a little stupid. tinkerbell is evil. wendy is weirdd. is my memory failing me? because the real peterpan doesnt sound like a fairytale. really quite unlike the impression i had. stamped in my brain thanks to cartoons, and huge books with huge prints and huge pictures. i cant categorise peterpan. a tinge of mockery hidden in innocence is always facinating, no? fancy someone writing about Neverland while staring at Hyde Park London. makes me want to return to the statue i heard they erected in the memory of him.
maybe it's all the tourism readings, my travelling legs are itchy. thanks to my sister, for succeeding in what i'm dying in now - studying. i've got the chance to return claiming to want to see her. and claiming the truth, duhhh. i've got all i need, except cash (:
goodbye
2:40 PM
& Wednesday, June 21
just a week left, too far behind to catch up.
let's go in with empty heads, and cry.
hate the indifference. hate the panic attacks.
hate lazing around during the term, and trying to cram everything in last minute, compromising on every other thing that is more important.
darn i really hate it.
jane made me sound like a stupid tyrant. if you think about it real carefully, it does not make sense. imagine, me yelling the house down, jane curling on the floor laughing and ziteng staring into space, dreaming about the dream that flowed away with the water. ridiculous. anyway we did everything in much smaller degrees. she laughed a little, he stoned a little. i scolded a little, and it's no point defending myself now because i'm self-centred and nothing is fair when humans are involved. so let's leave it as that. IM A TYRANT GRR.
haha we had fun, really. we even ate icecream but had no water to wash the spoons -.-
i wrote the above on monday. so now there's only half a week left! and the flooding incident is forgotten. exams are crazzyy and i really do not like the strong televisional force.
oh man, only 3 minutes of break left :(
yay my hair is cut.
told my mum that the blocks are gonna kill me.
dreamed that oysters evolved into some huge scary thing in my freezer. my mum and i tried to kill it, but she gave up and went out to read the papers. i got scared, went to ask her to come back. came back alone. realised i left the freezer door open and the huge scary thing was on the floor grabbing my foot. arrrghhhh. finally i woke up. gosh it was horrible. must be the scary experience in malaysia, seeing a eel-like fish in a small fish tank, with its fins cut off. and chained to the floor. ughh
goodbye
3:30 PM
& Monday, June 12
i miss japan.
it's freaky that i had to force myself to bring their gifts, because i couldnt bear not seeing that cute kimono(ahhhh) girl cartoon again. it was 'esthernotyours' x23847 . stupid embarrassing obsession, arrghh shoot me.
i have a whole long list of everything i miss. just five now.
i miss agnes. alot
i miss stella. a little, haha.
i miss ARE WE THERE YET?
i miss looking forward to..
i miss the support i thought you promised.
:(
disappointment is so real. lately, it seems like an everyday thing. shrug. a fallen race, everyone in need of grace. stupid planks in eyes. wretched heart.
goodbye
12:26 AM
& Wednesday, June 7
they aint good enough
too bad they're all we got.
goodbye
4:53 PM
& Sunday, June 4
we cant not return, despite everything. (that is so stupid and meaningless, i cant believe i wrote that.gosh) so here we are again, trying to cope with the huge impact of crashing back to ground zero after reaching an all-time high. here we are again, trying to store every single moment into the lump of gray matter, because it was so darn i-almost-cant-stand-it FUN and nice.
cant say i wanted to come back.
cant say i didnt.
mixed feelings; no regrets
it's interesting how everyone's different. it's scary how everyone's hurt, and too wrapped out about ourselves to see that others are hurting too. it's AWESOME, the reminder that teachers are humans and instructors are CRAPPY. it's intriguing how such a wonderful country exists, how the people live their lives day in day out, and i know none of them, nor they know me. it's mind-boggling how vast the universe is, how beautiful the stars are, how people can understand japanese, how everything works the way they work, how people do the things they do.
i left my heart earring in japan. maybe more, i have no idea. nothing else tangible, that's for sure.
warty fingers. stinging eyes. dry lips. hurting knees.
DARN.
oh, who can forget the GREEN STOOL (:
goodbye
11:43 PM