bleahhh;
the last hurrah
& Thursday, October 19
i'm leaving.
two years wouldnt have been right without you.
but i meant it when i said, the last hurrah!
no you're not the obsession. heh
your final task is to keep the archives safe.
i'll visit, mister b. (:
http://ohparaphernalia.wordpress.com
goodbye
12:51 AM
& Tuesday, October 17
the object of my obsession, has to change. if only it were the correct object, then perhaps i would give it enough attention, enough time, enough brain space. it would be top priority, at last at its rightful place.
the object of my obsession is a wrong one. i like to think that i can control my mind to control me. i love to think that i am more than able to psyche myself into liking something and detesting something. yeah, the mind has fantastic ways of deceiving its owner. do i own my mind?
what shall i do with the slips of paper behind photographs. i refuse to forget. i cannot. come to think of it, no one is dragging me out kicking and screaming. i'm dragging myself out, and i'm kicking and screaming.
enough. enough now. enough of chasing cars. enough of wondering and asking so many what ifs. how to give up something that's been driving you on? how in the world did i allow it to climb to the top of my brain/heart/soul/whatever? enough esther. enough.
i feel like a author. needing to finish a book yet repeatedly adding in new ideas new plots, because to end now is akin to ripping a pound of flesh from the body. i feel like a runner. not willing to end the race even when every ounce of energy has been spent, because to end would remove the possibility of overtaking that guy in front. an ending brings the probabilty of the arrival of something better to a big fat zero. (strange we think so much, yet never consider the probability of the guy behind overtaking us. we never wonder if too many plots would make the book incoherent)
enough. i can survive cold sores and disgusting weird stomachaches. i can survive this. time for the final chapter, the last lap. we stop while everything's good. the last hurrah!
goodbye
5:34 PM
& Monday, October 16
fear that grips the neck, strangle. while we're choking, we realise how meaningless it is to willingly let ourselves be sucked into the tornado of fear and helplessness. of all people, i should be least afraid, least weary, least angsty. i have all the help i need. cmon i have friends in high places! perhaps we're all secretly afraid that His plan is not ours. or perhaps, we dont feel like we're on the right side of eternity. what friends?
how can a relationship ever be built on guilt?
' if i perish, i perish. '
i'm quoting. sometimes i wonder if she said it because she was willing to sacrifice, or because she trusted. Abraham, was he reallyreally willing to sacrifice, or was his faith so strong.
probably both. oh we're lacking so much.
goodbye
7:55 PM